Thursday, January 19, 2017

Only One Man Changes Everything

Walking in Cana where Jesus performed his first miracle....water into wine. This path...

I have to be honest.

I have mixed emotions about tomorrow. I have friends on both sides of the political spectrum and the truth is none of them appear happy. Then there is the rest...blissfully indifferent.

Then there is me.

....and the, I am sure, thousands upon thousands like me.

We are uncomfortable, but we have faith in something....more.

Tonight I couldn't help but watch some of the C-SPAN coverage from the past few days of hearings and the like...and suddenly I am laughing. It is all just....RIDICULOUS. Really, truly ridiculous.

Our country is being run by children with no respect for themselves or anyone else....and you simply must laugh....or you will cry.

Speaking of which....

I cried a lot today. A. Lot.

There are some people in my sphere for which drama is LIFE for them....like water...or breathing. I hate them. Not like the I dislike them and I hate their actions, but I really HATE them. For which I am upset with myself because I don't want to hate anybody....yet this week I have had a lot of HATE bubble up and I am realizing tonight that I might be mixing some of my emotions across people, space, and time.

...because that is what we do...

Under. Stress.

or in my case....

Anxiety.

The four letter word I learned to loathe in 2016.

Anxiety has reared up in a very ugly way this week - disrupting my counseling session, my sleep, and today anxiety nearly took me out...to the point I hid out in our firm's bathroom so I could catch my breath and double down on my requests for the Holy Spirit to watch over me, my business partner, and our firm. I was so angry I was nearly comatose. Do you ever get that way? There are stages of anger for me....and the worst is when I go silent. Let me be clear, that is a sane person's sign to run. Fast. I can count on both hands minus fingers how many times I have gotten in that head space in my 45 years of breath. No lie - I scare me when I go there.

So today in the midst of my comatose state, in walks one of my dearest friends to surprise me with a hug, a smile, and a gift. After a quick exchange of hugs and somewhat inaudible words, she left and I sank in the chair in my office and opened a card she had also brought....and then I wept. Like a small child. Similar to what I am doing now. Just buckets.

....because the cure for anxiety is vulnerability acknowledged with an offering of kindness from another.

So back to C-SPAN...no single man or woman in power changes the things that matter most to me. The only man who has the power to change me and my life in any way that matters is Jesus. Period. Full stop.

Only one man changes everything.

So....I am sitting here tonight watching others lose their minds across social media while I try and process through this past week with all of its anxiety-inducing lessons...I can hear God whisper, "Only Me." followed by some Sinatra-sounding voice of "It is just you and me kid..." and then I lose it again...because I need to let him into these places that need healing...places where the hate has been "screwed, blued, and tattooed" before being buried 12 feet under.

People hurt us. That is a part of life.

Now I need to learn how to let it go....because until I do...they just keep hurting me again and again and again. No matter how many years it has been or how old I am or how much I read my Bible or pray or beg for the grace to forgive.....until I grieve it and let God have it, those wounds and/or those people have me in an emotional stronghold (I was thinking of different verbiage....but edited myself a bit there). I am tired of being held hostage.

Only one man changes everything.

I can get sidetracked by all the drama in this world - real, imagined, and created - OR I can keep my eyes forward or up, palms up or hands lifted - whether in the car or on the floor or hiding out in the bathroom or in bed in the middle of the night when a nightmare jerks me awake - I simply need to LOOK. UP.

Look. Up.

Only one man changes everything.

...in the words of that old hymn...

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus Christ, my righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
Only one man changes everything. Jesus.

Footnote: I get it. Truly. You are reading this as an over-simplification by me of our political environment, the life and death decisions at the hands of both parties, and on and on. I hear you. I respect you. I get it. MY reality though is one where I have seen and lived through enough to know that eight years ago the earth did not stop rotating on its axis when a Democrat held the White House and it won't with a Republican. What matters to me, you, and the other few million of people on this planet...what matters dare I say MORE...is how we treat each other IRL in our every day lives. What am I offering up to those I love, to strangers, to whoever, whenever, and wherever?!?!  My story is about how I can get healthy so that what I have to offer of myself is more than me slamming my brokenness onto every person I meet. The only person who can heal me is Jesus. Full stop. Disclaimer....he is engaging a few IRL angels in the work too. ;) So please read this as MY story - not THE story. I appreciate your compassion as I walk this out.