Lord, build my life.
I cannot get the lyrics of the song "Build My Life" out of my head...
Let me be clear. I just went up the escalator at the DFW Airport where I am scheduled to catch a flight home to Little Rock, and I caught my reflection in the glass across the way, and I DID. NOT. RECOGNIZE. MYSELF.
At. All.
God continues to rebuild my life from the inside out....the outside in....and in the steps, paths, roads that lie ahead.
I don't know myself.
I don't know my old self anymore, but I also don't really know this new self.....but I like her. I like her very much.
I like the way she jumps on planes.
I like the way she jumps into uncomfortable and unknown situations.
I like the way she laughs with (and a little at...) her friend, like a hyena in a hotel room in the wee hours, at the most RIDICULOUS thing and on the tail-end of an intense two day conference.
I like the way she doesn't sweat/panic (as much) when she sees a text or email from the office.
I like the way she doesn't respond immediately to messages as if the world ends if she doesn't get right back with someone in a split second.
I like the way she dresses.
I like the way she dresses for the airport (oh how I wish you could see me right now).
I like the way she can laugh at herself and share publically her TSA humiliations.
I like the way she talks about the future with open hands, a shoulder shrug, and a "God has it."
I like the way she is mobile with nothing but a cell phone, I.D., and a credit card. {oh and a tissue...because #noseissues}
I like the way she owns her singleness, her past sin and shame, and talks about the parts her, Jesus, and the enemy all played in the past that landed her here...now.
I like the fact that her mani/pedi game is imperfect and she doesn't care.
I like that she has learned (and continues to learn) that not every call/text/email is an emergency that she is solely responsible to address/solve.
I like that she buys a Texas t-shirt because her friend asked her what she is going to do when she moves there, and she wants to surprise her with a text message with a photo of her in the t-shirt saying....I'm there. Wherever you go, I go. You don't lose me.
I like that she keeps trying to be a better friend, sister, aunt, leader....and yet confesses daily that she falls short while picking herself up the floor to try again.
I like that she sits in a bar in an airport, in the middle of the afternoon, so she can charge her phone, write in peace, and sit in comfy chairs. Also, 3 p.m. in an airport bar shows you a side of life that is #priceless and beautiful.
I like that airports still leave her misty-eyed because this is a slice of heaven here. All of these people, from all corners of the earth, traveling for family or friends or missions or work or just because.
I have spent oodles and gobs of time and energy this past 5-7 years peeling myself back like a grape so as to inspect every single thing about myself and my life. I have let others do it to me. Hell, I paid (paying) someone to do it. I have listened to ALL the criticism that has been launched at me for everything from how I live my life to how I dress, wear my hair, do my nails, where I go/don't go, old relationships, how I lead, how I don't lead....and on and on.
Oddly enough, most of that criticism came from a fearful little girl stuck inside of her.
That little girl has grown up. She is older, wiser, and more loving....to herself.
Here is the deal....you cannot really love others well until you learn how to love yourself well. Not selfishly, well.
I think those lessons are really starting to take hold.
...and here is another thing...
Once you let go of the fear about who and what you are, the future feels...
LIKE A DEEP BREATH FROM YOUR VERY SOUL
...and you exhale, smile from somewhere deep you haven't explored yet, and you laugh.
Lord, build my life.
My future is still scary and uncertain and risky, but I simply do not care...I will not be worried about it....God has it and me....and I like the girl who looked back at me on the escalator today. I like where God is taking her, and I don't even know where that is yet.....
Imagine. That.
Happy Saturday from Gate D in Dallas.....
Labels: #iflead2017, Build My Life, Christy Nockels, IFLEAD2017