When The Only Way Is Through

 I am addicted to the looking back and it is keeping me from moving forward.
 
I wrote those words on January 2, 2017 of this year HERE, and I went back this evening and read them, in full. If you are interested and have the time, I highly recommend doing a search of my blog by typing "straggling list" in the search engine in the upper left-hand corner, and read the handful that come up. January (and even one in April) was rich with words from God as I wrestled out this concept about a straggling list....okay, my straggling list. 
 
I sat it down though.
 
I sat that list down HARD.
 
Then my life got insane, and first I was working hard to hold on....and then to let go....and then I was enjoying some peace...and there was Chicago and Nashville and Colorado and Haiti and Kentucky.......and in each and every place I could hear God. He was SO clear, but I would get home and the list - not the actual list but the items on it - were literally staring me in the face. When you downsize from three homes to a 900 square foot one - ummm....you SEE everything.
 
Then the beach happened....I think it was the week leading up to the beach that was the catalyst, but either way God and I did some heavy lifting together, which looks a lot like letting go, and by the end of my week there I was in motion in a new way.
 
Yet.
 
That dang straggling list.
 
Then last weekend I had an epiphany, no more waiting. I had my 'signs and wonders,' my actual audible words, the whispers, the peace, the nervousness. God could not be more clear with me if he had quite literally came down in the form of a burning bush.
 
It was time.
 
This week became a blur. I was having the scary calls, sending the unsure emails, saying the words. I was slamming open the doors God was showing me with an "I'm in." - and I am. In fact in. ALL. The. Way.
 
Yet the straggling list isn't just about the doors that are opening, but the doors that are needing to be shut. Today, I finally started addressing those.
 
I cannot GO forward until I let go completely of the past. For the most part I have done that well. There are doors though that once you shut, not even a crowbar can open them. I know about these kind of doors. I'm no first-timer, so my reluctance comes more from experience than fear. I want to be sure. I need to be sure. Am. I. Ready. for that final good-bye?
 
I. Am.
 
When you do a purge that lasts three years and downsizes you from three homes to one, two cars to one, the stuff to fill three homes to just enough to fill 900 square feet - no one can accuse you of being a slacker. Yet I am, there were things that came up during that three years that I pushed aside. I literally could not deal with them. My final home sold nine months after the purge "officially" ended and lets just say there was fun there. Good. Times. So, I was left with a few boxes that felt like kryptonite for my heart. It wasn't that I was even sure what exactly was in them, I just knew that breaking them open could undo me. So I shoved them in a corner, and I forced myself to walk by them every single day for just shy of a year.
 
I. Am. An. Idiot.
 
...or a masochist.
 
or a little of both.
 
In my last counseling session, my counselor broached the subject of the straggling list right after I shared all of my peace and action from the beach trip....and I could have melted into the floor. Why did she have to throw a wet blanket on my mojo like that?!?!?
 
....because she knows that I can't move forward, really GO, until I let go of all those things that keep me looking back over my shoulder like Lot's wife.
 
A friend of mine sent me a prayer this morning after I sent a request for prayer to my C7 tribe. Click HERE to read - St. Patrick's Breastplate - also, let me plug Ransomed Heart Ministries' website and app as they have the most beautiful collection of prayers that you can listen to audibly, read, print, etc. Just powerful stuff for both those that have a strong prayer life and those that struggle in this area. Please check it out; I promise you will love it.
 
I digress.
 
The prayer was perfect as it mirrored my heart (here is a snippet) -
 
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
 
How beautiful is that?!?!
 
The fact of the matter is that sometimes you simply have to go THROUGH something; there is no magic pill or easy button. Just you, the sh*tty task, your toolbox full of ways to process said task, and most importantly God. The best thing in my life is my Heavenly Father. He simply loves me well, he loves me best.
 
It seems like I have been working through stuff for forever....and lets be clear, five years is a very long time. I am growing though. I am learning. I am living. I am getting a little better every day. Soon I will have these last few items behind me. Free at last. Like a prisoner who has had the prison gates thrown up and yet stays huddled in their cell, I have needed time to trust again - myself and others, even God. I have needed time to learn the lessons - like this one - which is that some of these last few chains - are ones I put on myself - all by myself.
 
Time to let go.
 
God is forming me into something new.
 
Papillon Marketplace, Haiti // God says, I am the potter and you are the clay.
 
Shop Papillon Marketplace :https://papillonmarketplace.com/
 
Go to Papillon's website to see all of the beautiful work their artisans make with their own hands. Purchases from Papillon are helping to keep Haitian families together. #orphanprevention
 
Music:
 
Music is my love language, and I don't know how God does it, but he sends me music (new and old) just when I need it. Today I heard Tenth Avenue North's "Control (Somehow You Want Me)" for the first time and nearly fell out. Followed by Christy Nockels "Who Can Compare" which caused me to spontaneously go into full worship before God because that song is quite possibly the best worship song ever written.
 
Take a listen. Good stuff.


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