I thought I was doing pretty well...
Then this morning happened....and then counseling this afternoon. Suddenly in a puddle of tears with a quivering lip, I started sobbing quietly.
When your counselor says, "What just happened there?" and you nonchalantly say, "What?" and she keeps digging. Good. Grief. When am I going to learn? When?
I had gotten defensive with my counselor.
"Back up the bus girl," I thought to myself trying to pull back whatever I had said or done that had alerted her something was wrong. It was too late.
Sh*t.
Right before counseling, my business partner had been a douche which set off a shame trigger which left me hyperventilating all the way to my counseling session, but as bad as that was on its own - the real zinger was that when my counselor questioned my language toward myself, I responded with, "That is the third time you have pointed that out." #defensivemuch
Yup I am.
The last several weeks have been full of interaction after interaction where I don't feel seen or heard or my feelings respected. The old Heather would have lined it all out and 'splained how the cow ate the cabbage to the offender. New Heather is wrapped up trying to process whatever the interaction triggered as I try to hide my shattered heart or broken ego. For a recovering hard ass, this leads to a pretty hot mess emotionally.
Combine all of that with me checking off my straggling list like a beast the past two weeks, and I am left pretty raw in this new normal of what do I do without all of these old, ill-fitting yokes on me? There is fear in freedom; that is why we like chains (though we all deny it because who wants to admit THAT?!?!?).
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| Encouragement from my friend Lesley - Just In Time |
I think the hardest thing to do is accept ourselves when we change...even for the better.
The second hardest thing to do is accept ourselves as others AWKWARDLY and PAINFULLY adjust to our change....even when we and they know the change is for the better.
My business partner apologized when I got back, and I accepted. I also had to firm up some boundaries with him as awkward as it still makes me to use my words about them. We are learning/growing. I am proud of us.
I am learning to give myself permission to use my voice with others in new ways. Telling them when they hurt me, when they break a boundary, etc. I feel like everyone around me is having to re-learn Heather. I hate it for them and me, but these are necessary lessons. New Heather is happier....and really doing better (as hard as that is to acknowledge after today).
This morning I was reading Joshua and I got to 3:8 and read "'When you come to the edge of the waters of the Jordan, you shall stand still in the Jordan.'" How had I missed that part before...'stand still'? I was undone.
So I though....maybe the problem isn't that I can't get all of this right as much as I simply suck at standing still. What is happening in my life right now isn't going to unfold due to my hustle (at getting better or being better), it is going to unfold due to my stillness in and with God. I need to have faith that God is doing a good and mighty work EVEN when I am not doing a thing. That was a pretty deep thought this morning before 5 a.m., but over 10 hours later plus a counseling session - I get it.
"Heather, take the next first step and then stand still....THERE. Let your toes feel the dirt beneath them. Stay steady. I will tell you where to go next. Wait. On. Me." - Love, God.
Okay....
Where is that dang monkey of mine??? LOL
I hope you will give yourself permission to be okay - and then not okay - and then okay again. This is the rhythm of grace in the growth, and it is okay too. Just like me and you.
Labels: Counseling, counseling musings, counselor, Joshua, straggling list
