Hello.
I think this is how you start a blog post when it has been two months since you publicly shared....Here.
I have missed this...yet THIS seems to terrify me these days. Do I share EVERYTHING (or close to it) that is rumbling around in my heart, my brain, my soul? Do I work to keep things private, tucked close?....read that as safe. So, instead I have done nothing. Micro-blogging here and there...on Instagram and my Facebook writing page. Mainly I have been writing privately - journals, notebooks, my computer, and even in notes on my phone (imagine typing over a thousand words in one single note?! I. Did. That. There is something different though about writing here...in this sacred space where long ago I started writing.....just because...for me.
Who knew?
So here I am.
These days I am equally terrified and joyful of the steps ahead of me, but this living in the present is not for the faint of heart. At least not like this.....healthy.
Healthy. Who knew I would ever use that word to describe myself. I am though. Truly. I am as healthy as I have ever been, and no one is more truly surprised than me. Healthy has its own troubles though....as I am learning. I am struggling through those as artfully as I did unhealthy, which is to say that I am ALL the awkward and like a giraffe fresh from the womb wondering what in the world these four sticks are underneath me.
*deep breath*
The truth of the matter, and I didn't realize it until I left counseling, drove to my favorite park, spit out a little micro blog post on Instagram, and then took a breath. It was if just peeling it back a little wasn't enough today. So I started a list of ALL the things we had discussed in counseling....was something there unsettling me...still?
Then I started writing....
"....if I am honest -
I don't want to do anything. I am tired - literally. And living on purpose, healthy, and intentional in all ways is exhausting.
When can I sleep without a giant to do list over my shoulders?"
...and now we are getting somewhere....the heart of the matter.
....and here is the rest of it.
I am doing too much.
....and if you are really honest....so are you.
Why are we doing too much? I don't know EXACTLY as I am sure it is a little different for everybody, but I started reading this little quick read this weekend called "A Theology of the Ordinary" by Julie Canlis, and it is freaking. me. out. in all of the best ways.
There is a part I read aloud to a friend this weekend....in talking about Moses post the big Red Sea moment it reads....
"Moses must have been fairly disappointed upon realizing that, after leading a people out of Egypt, his work had only just begun."
{I want to pause and let that sentence sink in....}
"For four hundred years they had been steeped in the cosmology of the Egyptian gods and goddesses. Without doubt they were God's people - but which story would seem to reflect reality? the one about humans being made in God's image? or the one they were living - that humans were created by the gods as slaves?
{Whoa.}
"So Moses was faced with a monumental task: not only to free the Hebrew slaves from Pharaoh, but from Pharaoh's story. His task was to re-story* their understanding of who they were, who God was, and what the world was meant to be."
{*emphasis added by me.}
Pick. Me. Up. Off. The. Floor.
Where had I heard that before? I went searching. Of course a favorite author of mine, Mary DeMuth, has written about it....and after reading through her new website, I knew she was ahead of me on this path learning about the power of re-story, but I digress.....
So....I am relating with Moses in new ways....both on a professional level as I see a lot of this in my work, and most certainly in my private life as I am beginning to realize I am having to re-learn who I am anew....who am I healthy? so to speak....
So who am I? Who are you?
Well....sometimes God takes us to our knees, then he strips us down to the foundation and the studs....and then - and sometimes only then - does he begin to grow us back up. What that looks like for each of us is COMPLETELY different. Our God is nothing if not personal in how he relates to us.
So here I am being completely honest....God took me to my knees, we definitely found the foundation and the studs, and he has even started growing me back up....but there....well, I guess just like the Israelites, I am weak, and I have unfinished business to attend to. I have a few gold idols stuffed away in an overnight bag that I need to dispose of....and they are some biggies. Like the BIG ones. The ones I just couldn't bring myself to deal with....because.....I am weak, and it is okay to admit that.
So....for all of my growth, healing, and blessings upon blessings....I am still undone by the things I haven't let go of....EVEN though I know in the depths of my heart, I will be happier and more free on the other side of laying them down/giving them up.
So here is the funny thing, and yes, it is okay to laugh in the midst of deep growth.....If I wasn't continuing to grow, I wouldn't even notice the fact that the idols are still in my bag. The truth is I keep noticing them because they are keeping one leg in the past. I don't get that leg, unless I let go. There is no shaking it off. I have to cut it off and Let. Go.
My counselor asked me today, "What keeps you from being fully present with both legs right where you are?"
Hmmm.....I had to have her repeat it. Not once, but three times.
My heart knew what she was REALLY asking, but my mind was feverishly trying to figure out how to dodge the question.
*How is that for truth?*
The end.
The end keeps me from being fully present. I cannot say "The End" to those items, people, places, etc. that have made me who I am today - for better or worse - for I know that to lay an idol DOWN....truly means I will not ever take it back up. Can I let those idols go? Even more, can I forgive myself for the role I played in the life of those idols?
Deep thoughts for a shallow mind fresh out of a counseling session.
Important thoughts though.....for God has given me a taste of healing, and I want more. Do I want it more than I want the other? Isn't that the real question we all have to ask ourselves? Isn't that where the rubber meets the road? We want God, Jesus, healing, restoration......but just as long as we don't have to give up TOO much or change TOO much. I am guilty of those thoughts, the late night negotiations with God. I am also guilty of holding back these final slivers of trust that I have secretly (in my mind) withheld from God....can I trust him with these deep wounds, these specific wounds that have become idols all unto themselves? Those wounds that will break wide open when I lay them down. Will they be my undoing? My heart's undoing?
....and so who am I to judge the Israelites? After 430 years in slavery, maybe we can have a little empathy that being re-storied took a hot minute. Maybe we can have a little empathy for Moses in leading them through the process. Finally, our God is patient and loving....and he knows us. The gifting and the idols. He loves us and he is gracious in how he waits....and waits. While we keep running....
So, the final a-ha of the night.
Writing is a part of my worship. I just finished that last paragraph and "Broken Things" by Matthew West was playing, and I opened up my arms, palms up, and I offered up ALL of these words to God. I did all of that without pause or thought....because these words, these words are from him, coming through me, and I lay them down to him as an offering.
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| Heart Rocks, Haiti // Hearts...My Love Language w/God |
Thank you God for giving me this outlet to process ALL that is happening inside of me. I am humbled if it helps just one. I am equally humbled if it helps none. It is his to use as he wishes. Where you go I will go. That is the promise.
SO.....this is ALL the words. So. Many. Words.
It feels good though....it feels good to write. Here.
