Friday, June 2, 2017

Haiti. My Heart Breaks A Little More.

My heart has a HUGE capacity for love.

I know that.

Now. Certainly now. More than ever.

It is still guarded though....and easily confused or caused to flutter....it still can mislead me....and sometimes it goes MIA for awhile. My heart is a strange thing, and I am still learning how to understand it, let it be, and protect it...in a healthy, not harmful, way.

With Haiti, all bets are off for my heart. The closer I get to my trip, the more undone I feel. Let me correct myself...how undone my heart feels. I almost afraid, I am going to step off that plane in Port-au-Prince, smell the air, and start weeping. My emotions are just THAT close to the surface.

*deep breath*

Tacura // May 2017 {photo by Amy}

Last week my friend Amy in Haiti posted a photo of Tacura and tagged me with a "this is for you" and I am just staring at it - her thoughtfulness touches my heart and then there is this beautiful boy staring at me, this boy who is growing up, and I am missing it. My heart breaks a little more.

I am at a luncheon this week and I see an old love across the room and I am surprised, yet not, and last time we spoke was all wonky because he got weird, and then I got weird....and I am learning to love someone and yet let them go. Counseling and God have (and continue) to teach me how to "go"...and how to "let go." My heart breaks a little more.

We had a partner meeting last night and my heart came undone, and I wasn't sure why. It had gotten all weird in the discussions, and I got weird...and change makes us all a little wonky. My heart breaks a little more.

I am scrolling along on a social media app and see someone that once loved me so deeply that their love changed me AND changed how I love others, but time moves on as only time can and circumstances and geography change....and it all gets weird. My heart breaks a little more.

....and I could keep going.

My heart breaks a little more...and a little more....and a little more. What I am learning though is that all pain is not catastrophic, and that to love BIG is not the end of the world. In some respects, my big heart is my superpower. *insert laughter* Just like any superpower, you have to learn how to wield it....and also what is it's "kryptonite," and so it goes.

I didn't realize this as I was planning this trip to Haiti, but it is going to land four years to the week of my very first trip four years ago. Let me tell you those posts before and after that June 2013 trip are worth the read (you can search on the right hand side of my blog). My heart was contracting and stretching so much, I am surprised I didn't have an actual heart attack. Our bodies are AMAZING!

Here is what I know now that I didn't know then.....I was never ever going to recover from experiencing Haiti. I was going to meet people there who would change how I see the world, myself, God, family....everything. That God's plans for our lives - the things he wants us to experience with him - are so much grander than our minds can imagine. Mostly, that even when I couldn't breathe from crying so hard and thought I would surely die - that I would breathe normally again...and that what God broke open that day was a canyon worth of scar tissue on my heart...and it was ALL for my own good. He loved me enough to let me hurt.

Think about that.

My heart breaks a little more.

God is ridiculously good to us...and for us. Even in the dark days. Even.

Here is what I want for you....find the thing that you cannot imagine....and do that. THAT. God is in the BIG things, the little things, the scary things, and the beauty.

Hang on Haiti. I am coming. So...my heart can break a little more.

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