Have you ever just melted down right in front of someone?
I do it a lot lately...just words rolling out of my mouth on top of words....like a tsunami of words and none of them making two bits of sense.
It is embarrassing.
What I have come to learn about myself is that I do this (more often than not) when the subject matter is too tender to me.....when I am fearful of my own vulnerability so I simply ramble...and ramble....and oh Lord stop me....ramble.
A couple of years ago I walked through a painful season with some work I did as a volunteer. I lost some friends over it....some friendships got stronger in the storm...and others survived like a little safety raft floating along, a little worse for wear, but over time the normal between us returned.
Those seasons always take my breath because I am not truly equipped for chaos and disruption. I was in the wrong line when those skills were handed out. My soul simply shuts down, hides, and suffers through an internal battle of name calling from 'you are stupid' to 'you care too much' and everything in between. My counselor has had their work cut out for them in helping me learn new language for (and with) myself.
All kidding aside, when I say not equipped, I just did not learn those skills - for a lot of reasons - so here I sit at 45 learning stuff the rest of you cats learned in grade school. Yippee! *insert eye roll*
Here is the PSA for today....
Just because you are healing and making tons of progress....those embarrassing times still happen...and they still make you feel like the smallest, stupidest person that ever walked the face of the earth.
BUT....then you share with a friend - HONESTLY - about how you feel...and then you sit here late at night and pour that embarrassment out in a post to your faithful readers who might have had the EXACT same day in their neck of the woods.
Is this thing on????
LOL (laugh or cry)
I don't know if I will ever hear again from those two poor souls who witnessed my verbal meltdown OR if my rambling apologies squelched the damage done to my reputation....BUT I am not sitting here tonight worried about all of that (okay....maybe a little)...
I am sitting here realizing that while growth is hard...it is working. Working! I am learning that while I have been an emotional hot mess for much of my life, I don't have to stay that way. I can learn my triggers, why I do what I do, and even have some empathy for myself. I didn't ramble today because I am stupid; I rambled because I am still hurt over a hard situation that I am not sure I handled well back then....and am not sure I am in a place yet to handle today.
....and that is okay.
Smile, nod, then ignore those who want you to stay the same. “Growth is the only evidence of life.” John Henry Newman
There are probably hundreds of people that I owe apologies to....people that I hurt because I was hurt or I hurt because I didn't know any better or I simply hurt because broken people hurt people.
The truth is that I have been broken a lot longer than I have been whole (healing), and Lord willing I am going to end this life having reversed that.
So....as we end this week tomorrow, I would just ask that you give yourself some grace....for all the things you know you did wrong....and maybe even more for those things you simply believe you did wrong.
Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean ALL the times) we are harder on ourselves than anyone else ever would be....even at THEIR worst.
Maybe tomorrow don't worry about giving others grace.....maybe simply start with giving yourself grace....because...
A good man says good things. These come from the good that is stored up in his heart. An evil man says evil things. These come from the evil that is stored up in his heart. A person’s mouth says everything that is in their heart.
This truth of this verse pierces my heart...
If Luke were sitting on my bed in front of me right now, I would tell him #micdrop (shrugging my shoulders)...I really would...
I am learning to love this hot mess of a heart of mine. Bless it.
Labels: Counseling, counseling musings, counselor, Heart, John Henry Newman, Luke 6:45, meltdown