Saturday, January 28, 2017

The Yoke : Freedom // Gravity // Perspective

It isn't the yoke, it is what is attached to the yoke.

It isn't the load, but the way you carry it.

 
Is that true??? Are either of those true???
 
I don't know, but it is something I have wrestled with for years now as I tried to figure out how to do more, faster...and even better. Clearly I was doing it wrong I would tell myself not knowing exactly what IT was but convinced it held the secrets to my personal productivity and success.
 
Many watched me wrestle for three years through a purge of my life - possessions, yokes, pain - nothing was off limits during that season, and by nothing - I truly mean NOTHING. Then last year, thinking I had been exploded out of a giant cake into the promised land, I found myself one year ago today sitting in a pile of tears and anger dumbfounded by why my "posture" was still "off" - read that jewel of honesty HERE. Sadly, even after writing all of that (and I reread it again this morning), I would wrestle for another month before someone in my tribe said (ever so gently), "Have you thought about finding a counselor?" So started the excavation of my insides throughout 2016 (and it continues...because that is what happens when you open yourself up to healing, you find that you need more of it than you know....).
 
When I was a little girl....
 
Last night I sat at dinner staring out the window as that phrase rolled through my head in waves. That little line has been running through my head for weeks now. Out of the blue, I will hear, "When I was a little girl..." and then nothing - BLANK. What is that???? *insert shaking head* I have NO idea.
 
This is what disruption looks like people. It looks like crazy. Certifiable crazy. I am also hear to say, it feels like crazy too. *insert nervous laughter*
 
My counselor is not too fond of the words I use to describe myself. My internal narrative is definitely not PC...or as it turns out...kind...as in kind To. Me. *Ugh*
 
Everybody raise both hands because I am betting your internal narrative isn't kind either. We suck. *LOL* Adding levity here...laugh or cry.
 
You know why our world is unkind...because we are unkind to ourselves which in some deep, dark, sick way gives us permission to be unkind to others. Then every once and awhile, we pull our head out and something truly awful pierces our heart, and we feel empathy and compassion...once again...and then we overreact out of guilt.
 
Just me????
 
The secret may just be.....how do we train ourselves to be truly kind...to everyone....Every. Single. Day.????
 
This isn't rhetorical.
 
How?
 
Kindness Matters.
 
When I was a little girl....
 
When you have trauma at a young age...and stuff (oh yeah the word in my head was different) happens...and coping mechanisms are shaped...and life goes on....whatever innocence you had gets buried or simply packed away on a shelf in a neatly wrapped box with a bow. One day....many years from way back when, you open the door to a room (lets call it a maze (or city dump (I will write about that visual someday)) as my room looks more like that) and as the cracked door lets in the light you see shelves for days filled with tiny wrapped packages with perfect little red bows.
 
counseling = cracked door into dark room full of shelves with boxes
 
....anybody catching on to the visual God just gave me?
 
Well, I did. As. I. Wrote. It.
 
I have been writing about "straggling items" this year/month - HERE and HERE. I am wrestling through my list, but I have completed more than I had hoped/dreamed...still so much more to do in these final few days of January.
 
There is freedom on the other side of that door, those boxes, and even that list of straggling items. I am realizing that I am terrified of not what is on the other side of the door, but what is on the other side of dealing with what is on the other side of the door.
 
Anybody still with me???
 
I just paused for a moment to reflect....
 
The truth is I am still afraid of what is on the other side of that door. I am not enjoying EMDR or what comes out of it...At. All.....but the truth is that at least I know how to be broken.
 
Oh. Shit.
 
*Tears.*
 
...at least I know how to be broken.
 
Did I just write that?
 
Dear Lord.
 
*Deep Breath*
 
Being broken is like sitting on the fence....you don't have to commit because well...you are a HOT MESS. I mean everybody knows it...they just don't say it to your face....well some do....but those people LOVE you and pray for your healing every single day (side note - those are YOUR PEOPLE and you need to hold them dear and close and praise God for them Every Single Day Of Life). I hate the fence, but I know the fence....so remaining there looks really appealing right now. Being broken also means I don't have to really get involved in other people's messy...because you know I have my own hot mess so I don't really have time for your hot mess. Anybody tracking with me? Someone raise their hand please - feeling alone out here.
 
My name is Heather Nelson, and part of me is terrified to get healthy.
 
...not because healthy isn't appealing....oh how appealing it is....but because I don't know or understand it. I mean I have my face pressed against the glass like a caged animal at the zoo looking at all of the people out there walking around unyoked....and I see that little girl with a sucker in her mouth waving at me wildly...loving me without knowing me....and I want to get out and play with her, but there is safety in the cage. There is safety in the cage.
 
...I am going to let all of that marinate for a bit. I am having a Maya Angelou awakening moment. (going to be rereading I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings again tonight)
 
So...what have we learned today boys and girls?
 
How we see ourselves is the same filter with which we use to see the world? If we want people to change the way they see the world, we first have to help them change their own internal filter. {now before you rail that is NOT true of ALL people...I will concede to only this...maybe, maybe not}
 
I have lived scared a good deal of my life, and I have hid that fact behind a lot of bravado. In the ripping away of the bravado, I am not liking (me no likie) dealing with the source of all of that fear. Some of that fear is trauma-based due to a lot of what happened TO me, and some of that is based in what I did to myself. I need to be honest and always clarify that point (for me and for anyone looking in at my walk).
 
When I was a little girl...
 
I don't know exactly why that phrase continues to haunt (and yes it feels haunting) my mind, but I am working to be brave to face it head on. I have come a long way these past several years, and I am proud of myself for being brave and vulnerable...and doing The. Work. I have still more work to do, but I think the counselor is right....it is time to stop looking at each week as "the hardest week ever" and find more positive words to describe myself, my days, my weeks, and my life. Growth still sucks, don't get me wrong.....BUT it also feels like FREEDOM....scary, purposeful, beautiful, terrifying, intentional, God-infused....
 
F R E E D O M
 
When I was a little girl....
 
On this beautiful winter morning, be brave and peek around the door, then past the room full of your brokenness, and take a gander even further past that at the freedom that awaits you.
 
...and while you do, you might listen to this new song from this new album...G R A V I TY (video) by Brian and Jenn Johnson (Bethel).
 
Perspective.
 
Perspective is a beautiful thing.
 
Lake Michigan, Chicago, January 2017
 


Thursday, January 26, 2017

The Lesson In The Meltdown

Have you ever just melted down right in front of someone?

I do it a lot lately...just words rolling out of my mouth on top of words....like a tsunami of words and none of them making two bits of sense.

It is embarrassing.

What I have come to learn about myself is that I do this (more often than not) when the subject matter is too tender to me.....when I am fearful of my own vulnerability so I simply ramble...and ramble....and oh Lord stop me....ramble.

A couple of years ago I walked through a painful season with some work I did as a volunteer. I lost some friends over it....some friendships got stronger in the storm...and others survived like a little safety raft floating along, a little worse for wear, but over time the normal between us returned.

Those seasons always take my breath because I am not truly equipped for chaos and disruption. I was in the wrong line when those skills were handed out. My soul simply shuts down, hides, and suffers through an internal battle of name calling from 'you are stupid' to 'you care too much' and everything in between. My counselor has had their work cut out for them in helping me learn new language for (and with) myself.

All kidding aside, when I say not equipped, I just did not learn those skills - for a lot of reasons - so here I sit at 45 learning stuff the rest of you cats learned in grade school. Yippee! *insert eye roll*


Here is the PSA for today....

Just because you are healing and making tons of progress....those embarrassing times still happen...and they still make you feel like the smallest, stupidest person that ever walked the face of the earth.

BUT....then you share with a friend - HONESTLY - about how you feel...and then you sit here late at night and pour that embarrassment out in a post to your faithful readers who might have had the EXACT same day in their neck of the woods.

Anybody????

Is this thing on????

LOL (laugh or cry)

I don't know if I will ever hear again from those two poor souls who witnessed my verbal meltdown OR if my rambling apologies squelched the damage done to my reputation....BUT I am not sitting here tonight worried about all of that (okay....maybe a little)...

I am sitting here realizing that while growth is hard...it is working. Working! I am learning that while I have been an emotional hot mess for much of my life, I don't have to stay that way. I can learn my triggers, why I do what I do, and even have some empathy for myself. I didn't ramble today because I am stupid; I rambled because I am still hurt over a hard situation that I am not sure I handled well back then....and am not sure I am in a place yet to handle today.

....and that is okay.

Smile, nod, then ignore those who want you to stay the same. “Growth is the only evidence of life.” John Henry Newman
 
There are probably hundreds of people that I owe apologies to....people that I hurt because I was hurt or I hurt because I didn't know any better or I simply hurt because broken people hurt people.

The truth is that I have been broken a lot longer than I have been whole (healing), and Lord willing I am going to end this life having reversed that.
 
So....as we end this week tomorrow, I would just ask that you give yourself some grace....for all the things you know you did wrong....and maybe even more for those things you simply believe you did wrong.
 
Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean ALL the times) we are harder on ourselves than anyone else ever would be....even at THEIR worst.
 
Maybe tomorrow don't worry about giving others grace.....maybe simply start with giving yourself grace....because...
 
A good man says good things. These come from the good that is stored up in his heart. An evil man says evil things. These come from the evil that is stored up in his heart. A person’s mouth says everything that is in their heart.
Luke 6:45 
 
This truth of this verse pierces my heart...

If Luke were sitting on my bed in front of me right now, I would tell him #micdrop (shrugging my shoulders)...I really would...

I am learning to love this hot mess of a heart of mine. Bless it.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Only One Man Changes Everything

Walking in Cana where Jesus performed his first miracle....water into wine. This path...

I have to be honest.

I have mixed emotions about tomorrow. I have friends on both sides of the political spectrum and the truth is none of them appear happy. Then there is the rest...blissfully indifferent.

Then there is me.

....and the, I am sure, thousands upon thousands like me.

We are uncomfortable, but we have faith in something....more.

Tonight I couldn't help but watch some of the C-SPAN coverage from the past few days of hearings and the like...and suddenly I am laughing. It is all just....RIDICULOUS. Really, truly ridiculous.

Our country is being run by children with no respect for themselves or anyone else....and you simply must laugh....or you will cry.

Speaking of which....

I cried a lot today. A. Lot.

There are some people in my sphere for which drama is LIFE for them....like water...or breathing. I hate them. Not like the I dislike them and I hate their actions, but I really HATE them. For which I am upset with myself because I don't want to hate anybody....yet this week I have had a lot of HATE bubble up and I am realizing tonight that I might be mixing some of my emotions across people, space, and time.

...because that is what we do...

Under. Stress.

or in my case....

Anxiety.

The four letter word I learned to loathe in 2016.

Anxiety has reared up in a very ugly way this week - disrupting my counseling session, my sleep, and today anxiety nearly took me out...to the point I hid out in our firm's bathroom so I could catch my breath and double down on my requests for the Holy Spirit to watch over me, my business partner, and our firm. I was so angry I was nearly comatose. Do you ever get that way? There are stages of anger for me....and the worst is when I go silent. Let me be clear, that is a sane person's sign to run. Fast. I can count on both hands minus fingers how many times I have gotten in that head space in my 45 years of breath. No lie - I scare me when I go there.

So today in the midst of my comatose state, in walks one of my dearest friends to surprise me with a hug, a smile, and a gift. After a quick exchange of hugs and somewhat inaudible words, she left and I sank in the chair in my office and opened a card she had also brought....and then I wept. Like a small child. Similar to what I am doing now. Just buckets.

....because the cure for anxiety is vulnerability acknowledged with an offering of kindness from another.

So back to C-SPAN...no single man or woman in power changes the things that matter most to me. The only man who has the power to change me and my life in any way that matters is Jesus. Period. Full stop.

Only one man changes everything.

So....I am sitting here tonight watching others lose their minds across social media while I try and process through this past week with all of its anxiety-inducing lessons...I can hear God whisper, "Only Me." followed by some Sinatra-sounding voice of "It is just you and me kid..." and then I lose it again...because I need to let him into these places that need healing...places where the hate has been "screwed, blued, and tattooed" before being buried 12 feet under.

People hurt us. That is a part of life.

Now I need to learn how to let it go....because until I do...they just keep hurting me again and again and again. No matter how many years it has been or how old I am or how much I read my Bible or pray or beg for the grace to forgive.....until I grieve it and let God have it, those wounds and/or those people have me in an emotional stronghold (I was thinking of different verbiage....but edited myself a bit there). I am tired of being held hostage.

Only one man changes everything.

I can get sidetracked by all the drama in this world - real, imagined, and created - OR I can keep my eyes forward or up, palms up or hands lifted - whether in the car or on the floor or hiding out in the bathroom or in bed in the middle of the night when a nightmare jerks me awake - I simply need to LOOK. UP.

Look. Up.

Only one man changes everything.

...in the words of that old hymn...

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus Christ, my righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
Only one man changes everything. Jesus.

Footnote: I get it. Truly. You are reading this as an over-simplification by me of our political environment, the life and death decisions at the hands of both parties, and on and on. I hear you. I respect you. I get it. MY reality though is one where I have seen and lived through enough to know that eight years ago the earth did not stop rotating on its axis when a Democrat held the White House and it won't with a Republican. What matters to me, you, and the other few million of people on this planet...what matters dare I say MORE...is how we treat each other IRL in our every day lives. What am I offering up to those I love, to strangers, to whoever, whenever, and wherever?!?!  My story is about how I can get healthy so that what I have to offer of myself is more than me slamming my brokenness onto every person I meet. The only person who can heal me is Jesus. Full stop. Disclaimer....he is engaging a few IRL angels in the work too. ;) So please read this as MY story - not THE story. I appreciate your compassion as I walk this out.


Friday, January 6, 2017

Flying Away

I'm flying to Chicago this afternoon for a couple of days sabbatical via my counselor's stern and direct orders.

#longstory

...but Heather is losing it a little....that said, my dear C7 friend Sherri was gracious enough to take me in and love on me for a few days to resuscitate my grieving heart that is buckling a bit under so much healing/grieving this past nine months of counseling...so much pending in 2017...and some people in my professional life that I continue to struggle with emotional boundaries with (so basically my heart is being crushed daily).

As I said to the C7 this morning, I need this sabbatical like an alcoholic needs alcohol....or any addiction for that matter.

Desperately.

So...of course we get our first snow of the winter season overnight here in Arkansas. Our offices are closed with some stragglers in and out so with my day jacked up TOTALLY....I was at the airport 2 1/2 hours early because 1) that is who I am (I overheard my business partner tell his daughter today as they drove me to said airport), and 2) I am going to Chicago; got it?!?!?

LOL

Me. A funny hat. My laptop.  - Writing @ Airport

So...I am sitting here at the airport having just finished all the work I brought with me and I am staring out the window so very hopeful for these days away. I have been strong for as long as I can. My give a damn is busted. I am wilting under the stress and strain of my life.

In the past four years, I have "run away" like this exactly zero times. ZERO. This is a new act of bravery for me....simply running away for a bit to get rested and restored for the next rounds of battle. I would not have done it if my counselor had not been so firm, so for that I am grateful.

There is a song called Take Heart by Hillsong United - check it out HERE. Some of you might remember my addiction to that song that grew out of my Haiti trip in January 2014 when I ended up (due to weather) in a rental car with two people I did not know driving to Dallas throughout the night so we could all make our first flights out. This song came on during the drive and I ended up hearing it on repeat that entire trip like an anthem.

I used to have a Haiti playlist on my iPod of all the songs that had hit me like that and during one of the many iPhone "patches" my playlists got zapped. Ugh.

I digress.

As I started writing this post, I felt this song on my heart so even as I type here at this little table in the airport next to a frost covered window, it is blasting in my ears. Oh these words.
 
"...So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again..."

Who else needs those words washing over them today???

I need to "take courage again" for the next leg of my journey. Faking courage is no longer working for me. At. All. I need that immersion...like the Jordan River...where I can feel the Holy Spirit so full inside of me that it is oozing out my pores. I need THAT. Today. Again. I need restoration.

My counselor says I need to grieve and let go of some stuff in order to make room.

I believe them.

About 3:30 in the song, it starts this refrain that is so powerful. You simply nearly weep listening to it. I encourage you to do so...even with that disclaimer.

Sorry...digression. This song takes me somewhere...else.

I think it is hard for a lot of us to raise our hand and admit that we need to step away for a hot minute and collect ourselves. I hope this gives you hope and strength to do just that if you too are here on the edge of falling over.

I am grateful for many many things but in this moment I am most grateful to a God who is guiding my path even where I do NOT want to follow....and for friends that step into the gap when called and say, "Come. Let me be your safe space to meltdown." #bless

The humor in some of this is that I left the hot mess of my business. The hot mess of my home (grateful no one can see it). The hot mess of "projects" with deadlines that have zoomed by me....and I am SO uncomfortable in the leaving, but what is a girl to do?!?!

I have to go.

I have to fly.

Take heart. God is right here in this scary hot mess you find yourself in....and if you listen, he is whispering to you love and wisdom. You alone can act on it.

Be brave. Fly away.

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31



Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Learning How To Quit

 
What brings you motivation?
 
I'm in the midst of learning what brings me motivation.
 
Why?
 
Because it is changing.
 
What once served me oh so well is falling short for me now....and not by a little, but by a country mile.
 
This morning, ill served or satisfied by my traditional morning routine, I caught myself scrolling through videos and photos one of my niece's friends is posting from #Passion2017 and I found myself envious. Deeply.
 
I missed Catalyst last October due to issues at our firm and I didn't realize how bitter I was about it until I watched with an ache in my heart thousands of college kids studying/listening/worshipping in Atlanta. Ugh. Catalyst is my Passion Conference. Or maybe I just wish I could hang out with college kids more because that age is so awesome. Or maybe I am just hungry for more...
 
I ended up watching the session that Beth Moore taught and sitting there thoroughly convicted throughout. After I jumped up and sat at my desk to map out a day (in one of my two new planners/dream journals for 2017 - oh stop - I have a problem - I own it - LOL). Out of the two, the one I grabbed first was the one that daily asks deeper questions about how you want your day to look and feel, gratitude, etc. It is a new one for me, and I will be honest...I chuckled a little when I opened the box. Cheesy. Yet...I need a little more cheesy in my life.
 
I am barely hanging on.
 
There I said it.
 
I texted Sis last night and told her I am right there on the edge....just barely hanging on. There are about six things...and by six I mean two...that I want to quit right now. Quit. I have expended all of my heart, brain, energy....and I am just over it. Over. It.
 
I can't though...I mean I can, but God has me wrestling through to the end. Finishing well and all that.
 
...but I am done. I mean my heart is just done. It can't even fake giving a damn.
 
I want to learn the lesson of how to finish something well BEFORE I get to the "my give a damn is busted" stage.
 
Ugh.
 
You have to give me this though....I squeeze ALL the flavor out of that stick of gum before I toss it.
 
*eye roll*
 
Bob Goff has this "..quit something every Thursday..." and Donald Miller writes about it HERE. I have been intrigued by his theory for awhile now, but it also makes me incredibly nervous. I mean...I am no quitter. Why is that though? I have a lunch appointment on Friday that I am actually attending for someone else as they are double-booked. The appointment is at a place I turned down last year to be on their board. A few people have brought it up to me in passing...heard about the ask and my no through the grapevine. Seriously. (rolling eyes NOW) Are they trying to make me feel guilty? OR am I simply allowing myself to feel guilty? Probably a little of both.
 
The truth is that I have come a long way in saying no and selecting a best yes out of a range of great things, but....BUT the truth is that there are still habits, people, things in my life that I simply need to flat our quit. Quit.
 
I am no longer motivated by those things and faking it is killing me a little inside.
 
I know. I know. Dramatic much?!?!
 
Yet....think about it. How much of your mood is zapped by those things that simply no longer bring you joy or purpose??
 
There are things I really want to do in my life. Callings I feel very strongly in my life.
 
Sometimes it is not fear (though that is still a factor for me - don't kid yourself) that is keeping you back, but the simple choice to quit one thing so that your hands are open to pick up another.
 
I wrote about this already in 2017 (me sitting here at the beginning of day four) that I have a list of what I am calling "straggling" to dos. These are some things that right wrong or indifferent I have stuffed on shelves or in drawers and just did not deal with because it was too hard or too much or maybe I did just want to have that item hanging over me (why?!?!). I will tell you why....once you are done with someone or something...really done...then you are FREE to move on. As in really move on.
 
Sometimes it is not the fear of letting go or finishing. It is the fear of now I REALLY have to do "x" or step forward into "whatever the heck God is holding for me" on the other side of these things I will not finish...I will not quit.
 
Damn.
 
So...I am not writing this post from a place of wallowing or self pity or woe is me.
 
I have made my list.
 
I am walking daily through the horse manure of that list, and I am NOT enjoying it...At. All.
 
...but I cannot go one more year of letting straggling to dos, fear, and past mistakes keep me from walking in freedom.
 
So this is more of a I am doing this. I hate it. You can do it. You will hate it too. It is good for us though. POST.
 
LOL
 
What is your motivation? What is God putting deep in your heart that you just cannot shake?
 
I know what mine is...and the more I ask about it or run from it, the more God puts people and places and moments and words in front of me to say, "Are you ready yet? I am waiting."
 
It isn't Thursday, but maybe you need to go quit something today...or make a list of a lot of things you need to quit and start tackling it one by one. Whatever it is that is weighing down your heart...your spirit....and in some ways hurting you physically......be brave and address THAT today. There is freedom on the other side of quitting those things that no longer serve us....and maybe some things that never ever really did.

I love you. I am sending out a lot of love today because this sh*t is hard. Growth sucks. BUT Jesus....my goodness how he loves you...how he loves me. Trust that. Trust him.
 

Monday, January 2, 2017

2017 : Looking Back & Moving Forward

I am sitting at my firm...at my desk...with two hanging files...shadow files from my years at Nations Bank/Bank of America and U.S. Bank. Even after the #threeyearpurgefest I hung onto them because there was joy in seeing some of the old notes people had written to me over the years, my original application for Nations Bank, newspaper clippings, etc. I haven't looked at them since I purged my office in December 2015. SO...I am sitting here staring at them and I do NOT want to keep them any longer...but I am struggling to let them go. Does that make sense?
 
I feel like 2017 is going to be a year of letting go of the straggling items that even in three years of purging followed by a year of deep healing and excavation, I still held on to.
 
*Deep Breath*
 
There was this deep and lovely conversation between old and new friends after New Year's Day lunch yesterday where I was amused talking about lessons learned. Sometimes you don't realize that you have learned anything (really) until you are in a conversation with others. I was taken aback at my own honesty about parts of my story, challenges I have overcome, and those painful habits I still wrestle with....even after so much.
 
My friend Lesley was telling us about these tests her team was taking and how the instructor (?) had told them no matter how much you learn and grow, there are core things about who you are that you cannot change....they are literally Who. You. Are.
 
Now....I think I hid it well, but my heart sank a bit at those words...really?!?!...is that really true??
 
I know that is true though...I have learned that in counseling. There are things that I do because I use them to cope, and there are other things I do because that is simply who Heather is...but here is the deal...so much of  who I have been (and continues to be) buried under all of the coping tricks. In fact, I dare say that I know more today about how I cope than I do what parts of me are truly just Heather.
 
Grief. That hurt.
 
Imagine being 45 and figuring out your core....eye roll...I digress.
 
One of my coping mechanisms is change. I use change as a defense and coping mechanism. People hate change, so I in turn love it...and use it to my advantage...because I find it thrilling. Shake things up and while everyone else's heads are spinning, I can get things done. I have the upper hand because my feathers are unruffled. My energy level is a 10 on a scale of 1-5. If I keep changing and moving, I don't have to deal with anything. Ever.
 
Ever. Ever. Ever.
 
I held onto some of this crap (straggling items) last year not simply because parts or all of it cleared the joy test, but mostly because what happens when I have none of the straggling items left? What happens when I don't have the emotional time bombs of a file folder or a box or something I should have gifted to someone a year ago? What happens when I write that final thank you note from the sale of a piece of property? What happens when I really give away that last size 8 (beautiful) skirt (or the bling bling heels that go with it), not because I will never be that size again (as if - eye roll), but because that "style" time in my life is over....and it is just collecting dust.
 
So....today I am looking at 2017 and feeling the deeper challenge of purging things that don't really give me joy but simply keep me from feeling the grief in letting those items go....those last things that belong to a time and place, a Heather, that I no longer am...and no longer need to be.
 
This is the time I realize just how much like Lot's wife I truly am. I too would have failed the test and looked back....pile of salt I would be...
 
I am addicted to the looking back and it is keeping me from moving forward.
 
....but why???

 
 
I guess that is what we will get answered in 2017...because there is more of me ready to crawl into the photo above and get going than is not....but the "not" is heavy and crafty...it is as much old wounds still unhealed to old habits to old ideas to three pairs of beautiful shoes that I have no (real) use for to a stack of notes that need to be mailed. It is time to drop the straggling items and habits that are holding me back. It is going to take all that I have learned these past years, it is going to take friends holding me accountable (I see what you did there Lesley - calling me out at lunch yesterday), and it is going to take a deeper level of bravery. USPS and Waste Management....get ready.
 
The open road awaits....and yes I am having a flash to "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" film. So...I just started playing the song from the soundtrack that I love so very much (and listened to on repeat a lot during the purge)....Stay Alive which you can listen to HERE....those lyrics though....LOVE.
 
Dawn is coming...open your eyes.
 
2017 is here. Day 2.
 
What is hanging on from year's past that you need to finally move on from?
 
What is keeping you from the future God designed just for you?
 
What demons are buried inside you have ignored too long?
 
This first week of a new year is a great time to ask yourself all of those deep, important questions.
 
I know I am....and there are these two files....