Saturday, September 17, 2016

The Winding Path of Sorrow

Today I woke up knowing it was the day to purge - once AGAIN - my master bedroom closet. I have had it on my to do list since I completed the three year purge at the end of 2015. I knew then, as I do now, that I still had/have too many clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. I really felt like I needed to get to a capsule wardrobe (30-50 items or less). It felt TOO ambitious in the midst of a purge where I was already whittling down 6000 square feet into 900.

I just inadvertently laughed out loud reading that.

It is obscene how much I once owned.

I am still recovering from the shame of it all.

I digress.

There have been a few big NEWS events in my life of late, but like most big events in my life - I am sworn to secrecy for a time that makes me feel a little like a CIA operative within my own skin. I once thought it "cool" and now I just find it frustrating. One of them I am writing a long emotional post about....so for that reason, I will stop here and say, stay tuned....*Yikes*

So...here I sit in the middle of my bed with the contents of my closet literally strewn all around me, and in the bathroom, and into the living room...and it is a hot mess here in Heather Land this morning. I wouldn't text or call me today - I am idling high - unless you want to tell me you love me to which I will not believe you...because...

The truth is I am angry.

I am so angry even I don't know what to do with it...you know after months and months of therapy you look at bumps in the road as "I've seen a podcast, I think I know what I am talking about." moments...and yet...

Anger shows up at your door like the un-welcomed guest it is.

*Sh*t*

Some days on the quest to wholeness and peace you just get pissed. I don't know what else to tell you. People are assholes to you. A manipulative person slithers in and out of your office like the demon-possessed vulture they are. People who have long since abandoned you poke their head up after YEARS to see if they can still get an emotional rise out of you. A disgruntled ex-employee writes a heinous note directed at you via your company's social media. Your counselor (bless her) decides to open up the box in the darkest corner of your soul and peek in to see what is inside.

This was my past six days.

...but all of that crap isn't what makes me angry.

It is that I am headed to Israel in little more than a month...that I just checked off two GIANT burdens off my to do list...that I have this sweet girl that asks/needs/wants me to proof her college essay...that I have two dear friends that are deepening what can only be called a God-connection....that one of them is purging her entire family's life so that she can say yes to God in a big way....that I got to work on this BIG dream I have for a few hours this week with someone...

...and that I, as in me, myself, and I....I let the enemy take all of that JOY for even a second....and that the second has turned into days and it is spiraling down like a snowball rolling downhill...and I don't know how else to stop it other than to vomit here and cry MERCY at the top of my lungs!

*Tears*

I loathe being angry!

I just want peace...in my spirit, my heart, and in my life. I am so over conflict.

While I have been writing Path of Sorrow by All Sons & Daughters is playing (click title for link), and the words soothe and sting simultaneously. *Ouch*

It hurts to admit that I am struggling....well, not as much struggling, as faltering. It hurts to admit I am faltering...as in falling to my knees. Okay it hurts to admit that there are times I wish I could swing a sword and take out those that hurt and malign me. That is the easier way, and I miss the easy path sometimes. This wholehearted, turn the other cheek, grow from adversity, learn the lessons, figure out the reason for the coping mechanism, my childhood was a hot mess and left wounds, let me gather all of my people and hold hands feels as CRAPPY as it sounds to someone who thinks this is all voodoo.

Here is the truth.

Growth sucks. Like the WORST.

The path to healing is winding not straight.

There is a point in the process of healing where you hit a proverbial wall and must choose - continue on to points unknown on the map OR quit. There is no third option. There is no turning back. You cannot get the genie back in the bottle. You know too much now.

Lets just say that I am standing at the base of the wall looking UP at it and my knees are buckling...


I guess I am here to say...hold my hand....please.

I am terrified...and I am exhausted...just one bloody battle (for healing) after another...I don't know how others do it. I am in awe.

My friend Sherri just sent me a beautiful text while I was writing...Sherri is the one I give co-credit to for our "tossing hot potatoes at the foot of the cross" visual....and that visual has been saving me these past few weeks as another "seemingly" hot potato gets tossed in my lap and in one fluid motion, I toss it to the foot of the cross - you're up Jesus (all the praise hands). I digress. So....she just reminded me of when Moses' mother slid her baby in a basket down a river...trusting God. Completely.

Perfect.

It is in the learning to give up control that we are healed....and let me declare here and now...I will be healed from my need to control everything in and about my life. I mean it - from what others think of me to what my future holds to how my words (audibly or written) are received to the thousands of other things that a recovering control freak like me frets over on a daily basis.

...and in there somewhere I promise to continue to learn how to give grace to myself.

Oh...and that wall.

Here is what I have learned to be true these past (nearly) five years. God has me.

The other view from the picture above is the one where I look down and realize how far I have come...and I don't give myself enough credit for that...and I shouldn't because God deserves every single bit of it. He had me then....He has me now...He will have me evermore....perfectly safe in the palm of his hand.

God has me.

"Oh I know, I know
You remain the same
Even in, even in
My wandering"

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)