Come Lord Jesus come....
My posture is out of whack. With all of the lessons...the wilderness season this past few years...the joy that came in the morning on January 1st like never before...with all of that, it started slipping away last week....
...the day my anger rose up and got the best of me.
Did I quickly address and repent? Yes, but the damage was done.
Then this week...anger (repeat)...and then two days later...tears.
Lord Jesus Please, Please Come.
I spent last night reading Psalms after Psalms. Sent out a mayday to my tribe asking for prayer. Took some Nyquil. Added an extra quilt to the bed. Crawled in, turned my phone off, and crashed.
So you woke up refreshed?
I woke up clenching my jaw (didn't sleep with my mouthpiece), and my jaw (nearly locked up) in pain. I knew instantly I had been clenching (and wrestling) all night. I grabbed a cup of coffee and in my Memoir app, I saw "In Over My Head" by Bethel Music and Jenn Johnson. I laughed out loud. Alone in my room. I went and found the song (Here is a LINK) and as it played, clarity and tears.
Jesus whispered...trust me, lean into me. Yes, I am taking you deeper still. Relax. I need you to need me Heather. If I keep you where you are...where you have mastered and feel comfortable...you will once again begin to rely on yourself and stuff me on a shelf. Haven't you and I come too far for that?
Yes, Lord. We have.
I am physically hiding my face in my sweater in between sentences. The shame and knowing washing over me as the tears blur my sight as I type from memory.
Thank you for humbling me Lord.
I can see my "I got it! I got it!" posture rearing itself up again so clearly now.
This isn't a long post, but it is a confession post.
The truth is that I think secretly I thought that a three year wilderness season of gargantuan proportions somehow meant that I would have a hot minute to breathe or the next season would be easier or that I wouldn't make the same mistakes twice or or or....
The growth continues...In. Me.
My life feels INCREDIBLY blessed and rich right now. My family is healthy and happy. The firm I co-founded a little over three years ago is seeing jaw-dropping growth. My life is smaller and yet richer - organized, clean, lean and mean; I can breathe in my own home. My tribe is growing and challenging itself, each other, and bringing others into the fold....speaking hard truth into each other, loving each other, and claiming healing over and over. God continues to put people in my life who he allows me to speak life into; he then sends more to speak life into me. God is opening doors to some amazing new travels and experiences this year.
This is a GREAT time to be alive....to be in my shoes.
All of this though is no longer from the safety of the shoreline...or even when the waves are splashing around my knees or hips.....while I have been doing a victory dance these past few weeks, God was taking me (unknowingly) deeper into the ocean...and sometime in the middle of the night while I "slept" (i.e., wrestled), thrashing about as I realized I was drowning and in over my head....God gently and then firmly placed a hand on my chest and shoved me under (Thanks Sis - God sent your story to me last night for a reason.).
I woke up gasping for air.
Let me confess here. My walk with God is a battle of wills. The enemy has wrestled for my heart for many many years in big and small ways. God sent in an army to rescue me. That army has fought for the past four years to restore me back from years of twisting in the wind, pushing and pulling between God and the enemy like a really, really bad game of tug of war....So now God is sitting here with me going break time is over. There are fresh battles ahead of us. Let's go. We won that one, but that is not the final one. I am weak. I balked last night. The battle last night was not with the enemy....it was with me and God....by the dunking I got, asking for a little more time to savor the peace was too much to ask (I just laughed a little at that.).
Walking with God is not for sissies. I know that, but I needed a reminder that my strength is never ever going to be sufficient for the battles I am thrown in daily whether those battles are orchestrated by heaven or hell. I need Jesus. Every. Moment. Every moment of every single day. Period.
This morning I gave God permission to dunk me whenever he saw me wrestling again. Just shove me down in the water.
I also found myself praying earnestly to him for some things I didn't know were in my heart or bothering me....I found myself releasing them to him. Begging him to take them as I (not laid) threw them at the foot of the cross. I don't want them. I trust you with them.
Life is hard. Growth sucks.
Half-time is over.
Hands unclenched. Palms up. Arms Outstretched.
All for you God. All. For. You.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)