I have written a lot about "Home" over the years. Do a quick search of my blog in the upper left corner (search box) and you have lots of reading material....LOTS.
To say that I have wrestled with home - the concept, the actual, the meaning - over the years would be an understatement.
So...it is no surprise that in my very first EMDR session last week, home got all tangled up in a completely unrelated topic/question we had started the session with....and this week we spent the entire session unwinding the confusion in my heart and head over the past week that the EMDR had triggered....*Deep Sigh*
Home is hard for me.
I have a lot of brokenness tied to it....as a child, as an adult.
I have a lot of confusion wrapped up in just the word.
I want to let go.
I prayed those words over and over like a chant to Jesus, "Lord I want to let go. I want to let go. I want to let go." with the tears streaming down my face.
My heart is grieving.
When I was a little girl, all of five, in Kindergarten....we lived on a farm and although we had a long driveway to the county road, we walked through our field to the dirt road on the other side of it (parallel to our driveway) and caught the bus with the kids that lived on that road...a little cluster of kids of all ages. The grass in the field was taller than me, and our father kept a long path cut in the field for us to walk on. The path connected our house to the bus stop. I walked that path every day of school for three years with my older sister.
I can feel the conflict in my heart between home and moving forward...even now.
What is that????
I have an issue with letting go that precedes the implosion of my family. That is an a-ha. So now we start digging into that....
When I was in Haiti the first time in June 2013, there was an incident when I left the final orphanage (one we had been to three times during the trip) for the final time of the trip. This little boy who had latched onto me the very first visit when I stepped off the bus, had to be pulled off of me. Two grown men on the trip held my physically heaving, sobbing body on the bus as we drove back to Jumecourt (where we were staying that night). Something broke open in me in that interaction, that good-bye....something primal, raw, deep, and indescribable. I searched for a way to explain it, understand it...but words alluded me - then and now. The truth is the interaction shook me and changed me.
|Haiti : June 2013|
For the first time since that incident, I believe I understand a little of what was happening beneath the surface - both in my heart and in the little boy's heart.
I am broken. Not unfixable or unhealable.....but....yet....I am broken. I have a broken heart. That boy has/d a broken heart. Something in me....something tied to home....is broken inside of me, broke my heart....and I have to figure out what that was/is...and I have to allow healing in that place, in that memory(ies)...because whatever it was still resides in my heart, is still broken, and is still wreaking havoc in my life. There is fear and loss and heartbreak tied to my heart in relation to home.
....and I am ready to let go.
There is the hope.
The fact that I can say those words....that I can feel those words....that I believe them to be true - I am ready to let go - Amen.
Last night I was reading in Romans and came across this...
What a reminder that hope comes from the Holy Spirit. The same Holy Spirit given to us by God - along with joy and peace. In my study Bible it emphasizes (for good measure I am sure) that hope cannot be "conjured up by man's effort...it is God's gift" - God's gift. How beautiful is that?
There is a healing....healing from fear, wounds, confusion....but you have to face the very things that cause them, that allowed them to fester deep in your spirit...you have to be brave and bold...and you must persevere. Holy Spirit come...
I am dreaming of the "What if" - what if on the other side of this good good work, I feel God's healing in these old places, old wounds? What if I can reconcile home and love and letting go? What if???
Those are good
promises to hold onto as I walk through this process of unwinding "home" in my memories...in my heart.
"The greatest mistake one can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one." ~ Elbert Hubbard
...time to move into the #nofear zone.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)
Labels: counseling musings, counselor, Haiti, Romans, Tacura