Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Question of Enough

I keep asking myself if I am ready to write the posts that are coming...the ones that try with mere words to sum up three plus years of lessons from the purge.

*Pause*

Nope. Not ready.

What I am ready to discuss is the question of what is enough?

During the purge I found not one but two copies of the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is a book I first read in 2011, writing about it HERE. Since then I have read it each January...and subsequently written about it, most recently in 2015 HERE BUT multiple times over the past five years it has peppered my writing as demonstrated HERE. I tend to watch the film (AGAIN) after I finish the book; this year, I watched the film day one. I pulled out the two copies, having not given the extra one away because I have notes in both. In 2014, I had to purchase an additional one as my original copy had been misplaced in the many, many moves (i.e., disturbances in the atmosphere). If you think I am not going to sit down and merge the notes in each copy, now that I have found them both, you don't really know me. Today I flipped through them both since the last time either was read.


I was sitting on my couch just staring at the space around me. Space being the operative word as I feel like I have had no space with which to breathe in my own home for so very long. The truth is that I hardly know what to do with myself. I mean my home is fully purged, it is clean, no boxes or tubs line the walls or cover the furniture, there is no alarm going off on my phone reminding me of the next purge task to complete. I am fully weirded out. I am sending photos to Sis going can you believe this place?!?! She is probably doing a lot of eye-rolling. ;) :)

I digress.

Why is it that I love this book so much?

So many feelings toward it. I think it is because it helped re-energize me back into reading. In 2011, I had hit a bit of a lull in my reading. Second, it was pretty heavy stuff for me at that time. It would be another year before I had my "hit the floor moment" so I was in a completely "nothing can touch me" space that year. By the time I read it again in January 2012, right before my "moment," I am sure I knew somewhere deep inside my world was about to shift. So here I am five years later, and frankly I am curious what parts of the book are going to jump out to me this year...after all, I have been through a bit. In each of the past three years, it has felt like a friend encouraging me on. Frankly, the author is basically documenting her wilderness season; I can relate. Part of me wonders if I have outgrown the book. *Pause* Nah.....;)

I can't wait to give the extra copy of this book away.

That is what started this post. The truth is that I am wrestling with this whole concept of "enough" and still a little unnerved that I have such peace in my spirit. I quite literally "want" for nothing. It is BIZARRE!

A friend and I had brunch earlier today, and trust me when I say that I know how much she loves me, but...BUT I still felt like a crazy lady trying to put into words this concept that I have "enough" as she smiled sweetly at me. She tells me I need to talk more about this...like to others, and I am all...."Nah, I'm good." because it feels so raw and sacred to my heart...heck my soul. I found myself in the bathroom earlier whispering, "I love you God." to myself over and over and when I became conscious of it, started laughing out loud. {That is about the same time I decided to sit down at my computer and write about all of this because....come on....}

Don't worry. Straightjackets are on standby.

There is a line at the end of the film that perfectly sums up both the book and the film, and it just came to me again...

"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum.  And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.'  Or so I've come to believe.  I can't help but believe it, given my experience."

Tonight I am wondering if this isn't why I have loved it so...it was one of many touchstones along the way...well before I even knew there was such a thing. The book helped remind me that I wasn't going to die. *Insert Nervous Laughter* The truth is that whether it is a quest as described above, a wilderness (as I have often referred to mine), a #threeyearpurgefest or simply a pause point in your life journey....it is not easy, and often you are convinced you might very well die from it.

I digress.

I am not blown away by the "concept" of enough, I am blown away that I believe I have enough. I am blown away by an overwhelming since of gratitude. I am blown away that I have experienced a day in my life where I am sure there is something I could/should/would be doing, yet the reality of just BEING is/was enough for me. I am blown away that while there are things that I love/want/need, yet I have no desire for any of it. I look around having given away two thirds or more of what I possessed three years ago, and I swear I could give away more. The complete truth? I am already looking to do monthly purges because I still see excess...I still have an extra home that I don't need or want...I have books that I know, while amazing, one read will be enough, and then I can give those away.

I could go on and on.

The bottom line is that I have operated my entire life (or at least the past 35 years) -  physical, emotional, professional, personal, spiritual, etc. from a place of scarcity.

*Deep Breath*

Scarcity has been driving the bus for so long, I have zero idea what it is like to sit in stillness at peace. I have no concept of what enough looks like or feels like, and so I sit here in my own home like an alien plopped down in the middle of a Kansas cornfield. Dazed and confused.

I want you all here with me. I want you to experience this strange euphoric, odd feeling because it is good. As Jill Parr would say, "It is G-O-O-D."

It is also completely weird.

I have been responding to text messages, e-mails, FB Messenger, and FB posts about the purge, recommending books, and cheering others on...blown away that some see me as having been some sort of trailblazer (C7 will love that) with all of this...because that is PURE crazy. The truth is no one can make or push you into something like this, it just lands on your doorstep like Crazy Cousin Eddie and you are obligated to open the door and let him in. You don't necessarily want to, but ya know....he has a good heart and all....;)

I don't know what enough is for anyone else.

I do know this...that there is freedom in having your palms facing upward NOT in a request for MORE, but in an offering of take everything you want...whatever is left....it will be enough.

I don't have clue one what all that means, but I am sitting here at my desk 1000% comfortable that God is about to show me.

"Lord, I have chosen you alone as my inheritance.
You are my prize, my pleasure, and my portion.
I leave my destiny and its timing in your hands.
Your pleasant path leads me to pleasant places.
I'm overwhelmed by the privileges
that come with following you,
for you have given me the best!"
 
Psalm 16:5-6

I read this passage this morning, and I thought it was perfect because the truth is that I have an amazing tribe, the best family, friends, business partner and team....but really, after all of these years, I have learned that the very best friend I have is God, and not for nothin', only God knows the full extent of my wilderness season, and yet he loves me anyway. The best reward of the #threeyearpurgefest is the deepening of my relationship with him.

The truth is that I just figured it out.

He...he is my enough.

*Tears*

...See...the truth was not withheld from me...

What journey do you find yourself on that feels like you are going to have to lay something down in order to pick something up? What scares you about even asking the question? What is your enough?

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)

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