Thursday, September 17, 2015

An Open Letter To My Bully


I hate open letters, but I hate bullying more...so here goes...

A fourth grader's letter this morning is stuck in my heart...I have tried to shake it, but I can't. If a fourth grader has enough spunk to ask the BIG question(s) relevant to their age and circumstance...than can't I, a 44 year old woman do the same?

Lord Jesus I hope so....

This is an open letter, but a private letter to the person will be drafted and mailed. Just FYI.

Dear Bully:

I am so sorry.

I am sorry that whatever is happening in your personal and/or professional life made it feel okay to you to berate and bully a professional organization, your firm's strategic partner, a woman, a man.

I was once you. I once had a big job, a big title, a billion dollar firm behind me (to have my back), a bunch of minions who did my bidding (fearfully so) even when I was operating blindly and poorly. I once made decisions in a vacuum, when angry and frustrated, in a rage, without all of the facts, without listening or counseling with others. I once operated from ego and fear.

Oh who are we kidding, I still do it more often than I care to admit.

I am a recovering "Kicking Ass and Taking Names" executive, fear monger, asshole.

The problem is that when you are "recovering" you can no longer "go to" your inner asshole when someone bullies you. I mean you can.....but then you are no longer recovering...you are just back to being an asshole.

I cried so much yesterday even my business partner was concerned that I might simply collapse. I cried because I was hurt and frustrated, but when I finally got to the nut-cutting...I was crying because I knew how to make the situation right, but to do so meant that I would unwind all of the lessons from the past three years. Every. Single. One. So I secretly wept throughout the day and then went home last night and wept until I fell asleep...the entire time just pleading with God about how I know I am supposed to let him handle this...why aren't you handling this...I can't stand not being in control...this is the WORST feeling ever...make it stop. Please. Please!

I had a hard day.

You know what?!

Me and 99% of the population of the WORLD had a hard day yesterday. The injustices small and large being lodged against the people on this planet are more numerous than every single strand of hair on every single person occupying the planet today.

You know how the devil takes us OUT? Fear. 1000% every single time.

Fear to step up,

step out,

do something,

speak up,

speak out,

stand up,

stand out,

love.

Huh? Wait. What???

Love.

How radical would it be if when someone was HORRIBLE to us we simply loved them? Gave them to God and simply loved them?

I can't do this so I am looking for teachers, but the best teacher that ever walked the earth was Jesus...and he gave us such a precious example of how to love others. An example that try as I might I cannot replicate daily.

Bullies suck. I mean the whole thing about bullies is that they want to feel POWERFUL and make everyone around them feel POWERLESS.

Good thing I am already powerless...because I gave mine up to Jesus a long time ago....and every time I get the urge to pound my chest and right a wrong...I have to remind myself of this lesson and lay my lousy excuse for power down at the foot of the cross.

Not my will, but yours.

Not. My. Will.

I am weeping (AGAIN) typing this....I don't want to give up my power. Every cell in my body is screaming and resisting.

Do I trust God or am I just playing Christian?

That is the question.

I really want to trust him...with my heart, my life, my body, my mind, my soul, my company, my family, my future....the whole entire thing....but when I am really honest....it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

To the latest bully in my life...I am sorry. Someone hurt you and this is the only way you know. I won't perpetuate that hurt by fighting you no matter how much I want to...I love you and want nothing but healing and wholeness for you. Someone once believed in me...that I could be better...they believed in my higher, better self. I am trying to pay it forward and believe in that for you. Life is hard enough. Maybe we simply need to drop our shoulders, put down our clinched fists, and act in kindness??

If you haven't heard Heroes by Amanda Cook, let me recommend it here and now.

"I lay down my crown...here at your feet..."

I am so tired of trying to be the hero of the story...that isn't my role...it never has been.

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)