I have been writing like a woman on a mission all week...not posting any of it, but writing. A. Lot. This has been a strange, challenging, deep, loss-filled week. Breathtaking.
So...as I entered this weekend...another in my month of restoration as I have nicknamed January, I was naturally concerned that I might lose my momentum, get off track, lose focus, mostly...that I would give up.
After weeping myself to sleep Friday night...simply tears of sadness..God awoke me at 5 a.m. Saturday morning. Are you kidding me??? I didn't even resist. I got up, made some coffee, and crawled in bed to read the news...I was suddenly bored...or moved (wink to God above) and started reading my Bible and talking to God...Hard. What I had resisted and failed at the night before...allowing myself to wrestle with him, mourn, cry, and get it all out....he awoke me to do with him in the morning. That is the God I am in a relationship with now. He allows the shortest of times for a pity party before he shakes me out of it. He is teaching me to deal with it. Deal. With. It. Don't allow whatever it is to fester and spread like a wildfire in my soul. I love my God so much for this...for standing in this mess of who I am and loving me through it. He loves me...Well.
By the time my normal Saturday (time) had rolled around, I was in a different space emotionally and spiritually. Renewed. Refreshed. Refocused. Yesterday ended up being relaxing, productive, restorative....all of the things I have been hoping for in this wonderful month that I set aside for myself (at the urging of God). This morning as I slipped into a very hot salt bath (a new weekly practice I am trying)...I found myself talking to God suddenly about how happy I was...happy to want to take a bath (tell me how silly that is)...happy about church coming up in just under two hours...happy that I was staying on track with the goals of restoration, purging, taking care of myself, carving out time for others...that I could feel the peace and joy being restored to the very depth of my souls...places untouched in recent years. I can literally feel long-held anger in very deep caverns being loosened. All of this came out as I laid in the tub looking up...
As embarrassing and silly as all of this is to admit to...it is part of my growth. My growth in letting go of the old ick (which encompasses EVERYTHING and every area of my life) and letting God IN. It is part of my growth...part of me learning who I am....Now....in the present.
I have spent years working towards who I was supposed to be. Who would make others happy...and finally me happy. You cannot imagine the freedom (and struggle) I am feeling learning and leaning into who I am. Who. I. Am.
What I am learning in this month of restoration is the true holiness that comes from carving out time in silence with God via prayer and mediation, but there is also a unique holiness that comes out of taking care of yourself...
There is a great line in Eat Pray Love..."God dwells within you, as you."
I have pondered that for 24 hours now, and I think that in the tub I got close to understanding what that could be like...a spontaneous prayer of thanks to God as I soak and restore myself.
Crazy?! It sounds crazy, but not as crazy as it did before experiencing it this morning...
I thought this month of restoration was about me...I am so silly....because the truth it is about me and God, our relationship, God in me, and who he made me to be. Today. It is about strengthening the truths he has been teaching me these past four years after wandering in a spiritual desert for years. It is about renewing my heart as we pass another mile marker on this journey. It is about reminding me who I am. It is about reminding me who HE is. It is about growth. Mine.
I don't have to be strong through this either...a truth he reminded me Saturday morning. I have been strong, the "strong one" all of my life. I don't have to be that anymore...with God...with myself...with anyone. I am just Heather. I didn't want to cry to God Friday night...yet again. I felt weak. Saturday he reminded me that my tears are not a sign of weakness, but of the depth of the pain...and he is in the pain with me as much as he is with me in the joy. It is okay to feel that. Awww....the lessons in vulnerability still astound me. The truth is that he has, is, and will continue to heal me. In that specific pain and loss....and in all of the others too. Loss is a part of life. Growth is a part of life. God is in all of it. With me. With us.
I am finding God in this month of restoration. I am finding holiness in him and with him here.
I am in awe.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)