For the second morning in a row my body and brain have decided to wake up at 4 a.m. I am not entirely sure what that is all about, but it has given me extra time with coffee and my thoughts (neither of which is necessarily a good thing). This morning I reflected on the discussion our IF:Group had last night...and I realized that at some point I had an epiphany that my JOY has gone missing....maybe yours is MIA too.
It wouldn't be a shocker...I mean the world...feels heavy and unstable...busyness in our days...families hurting...I mean if joy were a byproduct of stability (not that it is) than we are in trouble. By we, I mean me...and maybe you. Okay, I mean we.
This morning I started writing...
"I have no joy.
I'm scared. What if?
Dear God, what if?
What if - "
...and I started making a list.
...and that list looked a lot like a list of fears.
...and that list got long.
Suddenly I realized I felt frozen due to all of these fears...that the fears were killing my joy.
...and then I felt stupid.
I know I should give these fears up to God. I know I am being irrational. I know that the feelings of being too much or not enough are lies from the enemy.
Suddenly...I need someone to confess to...IRL.
Allow me a digression...
I read. A lot.
What I am searching for is not going to be found in the books that line my shelves, or piled on my side table, coffee table, in my bag, or on my desk. What I am searching for is only going to be found in the Word. The Bible. What I need. What I am searching for...is something deeper and more meaningful. Something to help me understand the insanity in our world...my role in it....my heart.
My joy is missing because my heart is broken. The world broke it. Frankly, there is only one person who can put it back together...and he is not of this world.
As I let that hang....
I wanted to share this simple post (LINK) that shares 10 verses on JOY.
There are plenty of people out there to tell you how to think, what to think, how to feel...today was a reminder that I have a book full of wisdom right in front of me....and if God is waking me up at 4 in the morning...maybe it is because he has something to tell me.
I got to the office this morning with my Bible and my journal, and I started making post-it notes with "joy" verses on them. I then started posting them around my desk and office. I mean this is where I spend more time than anywhere else, and work is also where the enemy twists me (the most) in knots.
I can't "fix" my IRL voids like relationship, BFF, etc., but I can put big reminders in view constantly that the void is not mine to fill or fix, but God's...and I can start trusting him more with my most private of pain. You know...the one we don't even admit to ourselves is there. *Ouch*
I have less than four months left in this specific season. I am a little terrified...truth be told....of it ending. I thought I would glide through these final months, but the past two weeks have shown me the harsh reality...I am going to have to wrestle with these lessons right through to the end. God is tightening up the vice or the enemy is....right now I am struggling to figure out if it is coming from the enemy holding on or God breaking me free. Either way, suddenly the actual pain in my head (that I ironically described as a vice) Wednesday morning...a pain I had never had prior...I now recognize as a physical manifestation of what is happening deep inside my heart/mind/spirit.
This is going to hurt a little.
The world and the enemy want to destroy us....destroy our hearts, our lives...our joy, and it doesn't take much....one stroll through your social media feeds, the 30 second opener on the morning news, or simply answering the phone.
I am done being a punching bag for the enemy. Done.
A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. ~ Proverbs 17:22
To be continued...
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)