Tonight as I was on the phone with one of my C7 just baring our poor, sweet souls...it hit me....there is a true art to vulnerability.
The thing is...it is that type of art that looks like a Sherwin Williams store exploded in a room. Exploded.
I think I am so sick and tired of us all trying to get shame and vulnerability "right." I mean really??!!! Hell, it took most of us 40 years (ummm...just me?? :)) to succumb to the act of even showing vulnerability...now we have to do it "right"...Just. Right.
I don't think so.
It is hard. It is ugly or at a minimum not Instagram-cute. It is raw and messy and dirty.
I have been trying for two weeks to write about the simple fact that I had misplaced my joy, and I simply couldn't do it. I couldn't write about it. I was terrified that people would go there it is...she has lost it or she is depressed or whatever...so I suffered in silence. Silence.
....and that is how the enemy got me. Bam!
So he sent a big hornet's to my front door yesterday in the form of a friend and then a foe, and God waited...and in the midst of those two situations he reminded me that HE was in control. HE was there. HE heard me. AND...my joy literally bubbled up inside of me and came out as giggles in the most inopportune moment. That is how my God works. #bless
I don't have this figured out.
Don't worry. I know you don't have it figured out either. None of you. Whether you are Jennie Allen or my Sis or Jen Hatmaker or one of my C7 or a complete stranger. None of you have it figured out.
AND....that is the dadgum point. You can't do this. I can't do this. ONLY he can do this. We are but a vessel. Whether it is in having the right words for a friend. Handling a touchy situation. Finding your joy. Making a career decision. Whatever it is, it is HIS to handle. The big lie is that free will means he is giving us wisdom and control...and he is, but it is so we will choose him...give it up to him...love him. NOT so we will do it all; have it all; be it all.
I mean really?!?!
Are you with me?
Have you fed this lie to yourself...like DAILY...that it is on your shoulders to "get it" right?
Yesterday when my friend needed me and e-mailed me, my first thought after reading her e-mail was, "I don't know what to do with that. I got nothing." and closed my e-mail. Next. A few seconds later, God had me re-open it, read it again, hit reply, and start typing...not my words, but his. Because I, in my wise, human self had NOTHING to offer her, but I was only needed to be the vessel for God to speak to her. Not my words; his words.
I confessed all of this to her tonight as she died laughing through tears on the other end of the phone.
The further truth is that she knew the answer before she even e-mailed, but she needed confirmation...and God gave it to her.
...and the circle continues.
We don't need each other to say the right things or do the right things or be the right things. We need each other to operate as conduits for God's heart and voice to come through for each other.
Being vulnerable...really vulnerable...means walking into that space completely open - open arms, open hearted, open minded...and just letting God show himself...through you...to others.
That is terrifying.
When Peter stepped out of the boat to get to Jesus waving from the shore (after the resurrection) he walked...for just a moment, but he walked on water...until he remembered who he was and forgot who Jesus was...he didn't lose his enthusiasm though...but he had already forgotten the lessons...so Jesus reminded Peter, and all of them, of the point. You are vessels to share my story, my death, my resurrection...for the breadth and depth of your life. Peter was worried about Jesus' love, his own death, the death of others...I mean that poor man took forever to get it (sounds familiar). None of that matters, for you Peter are just a vessel for me.
I am reading and studying Peter a lot right now via Sunday church and Bible Studies...and it just tears me up...I weep and laugh because Peter is so relatable to me and so many of us. He is just the example of all of our so-human struggles. Bless him. I just love Peter, and I didn't always...learning true grace and what that means has led me to love Peter more...as I am learning to love myself more. Funny how that works.
So lets all make a pact that we are not going to worry about getting all of this newfound vulnerability just right. Instead we are just going to encourage each other to continue to live their truth with not only others, but for the love of all that is good and holy...live their truth with themselves. With. Myself.
I got my joy back yesterday. I am still a teary mess (can cry at a drop of a hat). I am still struggling with some wounds (old and new). I am still terrified from time-to-time. I still want more of what I don't have in relationships and work and tribe. I am still growing and struggling. God reminded me that this is messy though...and even in the messy he is there and I can laugh there too (not simply cry) and that is okay. I'm okay.
Thank you for those that come to this space and laugh and cry and pray with me. Growth sucks; no doubt. Growth is also awesome, and I am tickled pink to be at this place in my walk and in my life. It has been hard-fought and worth everything. I hope you feel the same about your own.
We are just holding hands and walking each other home.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)
Labels: Brene Brown, C7, Jen Hatmaker, Jennie Allen, Peter, tribe, Vulnerability