Sometimes my heart is simply TOO full.
Full of emotions and junk and questions.
Sometimes my heart is too full to talk to God.
I simply don't know how to talk or express or explain or lean into him.
Those are hard days.
Isn't that simply ridiculous???
What is worse is when you feel guilty for it...like these are "good" days and so you don't have permission to claim they feel hard.
I am there.
I am post-Lent. I should be ecstatic. Ecstatic. I'm not though. I am stressed and worried and unsettled and questioning and everything feels HARD right now. Not in the Lent way, but in a LIFE way.
I know. I know. Deep. :/
We don't talk enough about these days or seasons where life isn't joyous or full of drama, it is simply bleh. No one wants to talk about the bleh.
I miss God in these moments...these days. I have been trying to find reassurance for these BIG feelings in my tribe or Sis or my business partner, but their assurances are falling short...because they are not God.
I need God.
It took just a colossal ick situation at the office today for me to slide down a wall to the floor and head in my hands, cry out to Jesus. I simply have to have Jesus in me, with me, surrounding me, and immersing me 24/7. I have spent a week post-Lent disillusioned because somehow I made it about my ability to "snap back" and be "okay" after Lent. Go back to before, but you can't..I can't. It doesn't work that way. The point is to be completely dependent upon Jesus always. Like as in ALWAYS. The point is to sacrifice with the addition and subtraction of worldly numbing agents every day as we walk closer and closer to him.
He is my joy.
I left him outside the tomb Easter Sunday. I forgot to have breakfast with him on the beach. Isn't that why Jesus did that...wasn't it those visits post-resurrection to the men and women who would spread his word that he used to remind them this isn't the end but the beginning. I'm not here, but yet I am with you always. Don't go back to your old jobs, you have new jobs.
I feel pretty foolish right now. Eyes red from tears that fall as a result of my short-sightedness.
The cross and resurrection were the confirmation of the old story, the old law, the prophecy. Breakfast on the beach was the promise of a future with him...the work to be done...and a promise that they would be called to sacrifice too. It was the future. I was so busy celebrating the conclusion of Lent and the gift of the cross and resurrection, that I forgot my part. I have a part. He is still here. In. Me.
A friend today emailed a prayer request. I responded back with what God immediately put on my heart and typed without thought. Not my words; his words. He is in me. God is with us; within us.
I love Lent and Easter, but the best part is the promise and the breakfast and the charge to us. Spread the word, do my will, abide with me in you, sacrifice, and remember...Me.
I'm sorry, but it simply doesn't get any better than that....and I nearly missed it...again.
My heart spilled over today...God has been waiting for it...and for me. Finally.*
*Disclaimer: I cause God to faceplant a lot.