Monday, December 15, 2014

Broken Crayons Still Color

A friend of mine prayed for and over me Sunday afternoon as we both sat on my couch. I had just finished praying for each member of our little IF tribe and said, "Amen," and she said, "Now it is your turn." I had forgotten about myself. She remembered me. Her prayer was breathtaking.
 
I forgot myself.
 
Deep. Sigh.
 
As a woman...as a single woman...I spend a lot of time worrying that I am selfish...that I do not do enough for others. The truth is I have selfish moments or bouts of time, but that makes me no different than the average grown adult. What all of that shame and insecurity has done is fester into a healthy dose of worry that I am not enough until guess what....I'm not enough.
 
There are not enough hours in a day to do, be, see, talk to, e-mail, write, text, call, speak, approve, advise, cheer, clean, and on and on and on....all of the things that I need to do in a given day, week, month, or year. Not. Enough.
 
The art of self-sabotage.
 
I am sitting here at the end of another year...reflecting on the year that was and trying to find hope for the year that is around the corner...and I am sad and mad at myself BEYOND words. I have done it again. Dammit. I have worked and scheduled myself into the abyss of exhaustion, self-loathing, and despair of not being enough. Again. AGAIN!
 
When am I going to learn this lesson???? #forthelove
 
Last week I sent a private text to the wrong person/group. I beat myself up for about 24 hours. Way to spoil the surprise Heather. Douche.
 
I spent three hours today combining no less than six full legal pads of to do lists into two new ones - the things that MUST be done this week, and the things that MUST be done by year-end. Both have hidden meanings...something bad is going to happen if the lists don't get done in those timeframes. Ugh. Everything else is being put in a file marked 2015. I can barely contain my joy in anticipating opening that file on 1/1/2015 (can you hear the sarcasm?). :)))
 
Tonight I read a post by Jen Hatmaker on parenting kids who sabotage big days, and I swear it was written for me...Ummmm, no surprise when several adults started posting that they were as guilty of it as their children. We all have stories. Stories of scarcity and shame. Boy how it manifests itself in the quilt of our days. I have so much still to learn about myself and why I do the things I do. Breathtaking.
 
I am tired of living and operating from the pain of BIG DAYS past. The what might have beens steal the joy of the here and now. The joy of a woman opening herself up to you on your couch on a Sunday afternoon because she feels safe with her feelings and pain. The joy of a friend who sees you drowning and offers a hand. The joy of a child who wants to play with YOU...do crafts with YOU...take a hike with YOU. The joy of being needed and being able to be PRESENT and AVAILABLE to them.
 
I read this article called The Disease of Being Too Busy, and I saved it (too busy to read it when I saw it), and I cried reading it. While I have been very "intentional" in 2014 on trying to not use the phrase "I'm busy." or "I'm so busy."...yet alas it somewhere morphed into "I am EXHAUSTED!" emphasis added. ‪#‎bless‬
 
I am not alone. I have watched some of the people I love and admire most in this world run themselves clean ragged this year...and for what?? Purpose, calling, family, church, school, etc. Yeah...all of the "good stuff" so where are we all going wrong??? We have to cut out some of the "good stuff" and it is heartbreaking...especially for many of us who feel like we are finally doing "good work" finding our "people" and our "calling" and on and on. But there can be too much of a "good" thing, and although I am not some expert over here having figured it all out...I am realizing that I have too much "good stuff" in my life right now, and I need to lean it down some. Not only for the sake of my sanity and my health, but for the sake of the truly good work and ultimate thing God is asking of me in this life. This one single life I have to live.
 
If you are somewhere near, or right in the middle of, this with me...this read might be for you. Pour a cup of tea and take a minute....the link is in the title above.
 
Excerpt....
 
"We need a different relationship to work, to technology. We know what we want: a meaningful life, a sense of community, a balanced existence. It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones. We want to be truly human.
 
W. B. Yeats once wrote:
 
“It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.”"
 
"We want to be truly human." Wow. I don't know about you, but that strikes a powerful cord with me. The overwhelming guilt in the past few weeks is that I haven't been there in the bigger/deeper ways for some of the people in my life. I have been thinking...I need more time to write a card, cook a pie, or just go visit someone. I know I did that well once. What happened? When did my life get in the way of me just being human?
 
My friend last night..."Heather your soul craves time alone, time to read, time to write. You are not feeding your soul."...Tears. Flowing.
 
I cannot get her words out of my heart. I know she is right. I know so deep in my soul that it has been aching (real live pain) since she uttered the words. It is as if my soul is pushing through the skin...listen it cries. Listen.
 
The beauty of these past few years has been the work...reading, writing, and time alone with God....that is where the hard work has been done and the beauty from the ashes (as another friend would say) has arisen. There is more work to be done, but even more I can't step away from the very things that help me find LIFE. As I wrote that, I remembered a line John Eldredge said in one of his studies about once you taste healing or success...then it becomes the most dangerous time of your life...because you start replacing the things that help you get there with STUFF and RUNNING. That is exactly what I am starting to do, and I am SO stupid because I know better. I know SO much better than to do that.
 
The art of self-sabotage. I should write a book.
 
Ugh.
 
It is past my bedtime so I have to close...not because there are not still words, but because I need to rest on all of these words already left on the paper. Maybe you are fighting all of this too...spread too thin, fear of not being enough, self-sabotage, or just a feeling of despair. You are not alone, but more than the tribe that walks these paths with you is the love of a God who never leaves your side. Through thick and thin, feast and famine, the highs and lows...our God loves us deeply and fights for us fiercely. It has taken me many, many years to realize the deep abiding love of God for me...and I have just barely scratched the surface.
 
I sit here tonight. Exhausted. No. Doubt.
 
I also sit here tonight being restored by the prayers of others, the words of others, and my beautiful God. I am a broken mess...even after so much lost and learned....I hit my knees again asking for forgiveness and restoration at the foot of the cross. Come for me and my heart sweet Lord.
 
 

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)