Sunday, July 20, 2014

The Nirvana In A Writing Desk

Heather's Writing Desk

I was going to come home and lay down. I needed to do just one single thing first.

I sat down at my new desk I just got set up at the loft yesterday, and now here I am looking out over the Arkansas River writing and listening to the soundtrack from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. A film that took me more than a little while to feel the rhythm of....the song "Stay Alive" is AMAZING! I highly recommend checking it out.

I digress...

I think I might have found a new personal nirvana for me. A writing area. I mean a desk, a chair, a view, and little touches (a unique piece of pottery filled with #2 pencils (sharpened), another piece of pottery with highlighters and pens), one pile of old journals, two other piles of "critical" books to my life (either being presently read for the first or second or fifth time), thank you notes (an old habit of mine that I am renewing), a pile of IF: Gathering material, another pile of orphan information, and personal touches like a bouquet of dried peonies from Sherri's (C7) wedding in a crystal heart-shaped vase given to me by an old friend...plus a heart book "Find It In Everything" by Drew Barrymore given to me by another friend during #HogsCare week this past year.

I can't begin to express what sitting in this spot, surrounded by these things, looking at these views, and hearing this song is causing in my soul.

The tears are coming....

They are tears of pure joy. Pure. Joy.

I try to hit pause when I find these nirvana moments clearly aware that I don't know for how long they will last, or initially what all is causing them. I so love my friends and family. I love my life so very, very much right now. A part of the happy is the nesting factor. Creating a real home has brought me joy and peace I have never EVER known. I have owned homes (and still do), but I am happier in this loft than any single place I have ever, ever lived. It is hardly perfect...I could make a list, but I don't...not even in my own mind...because what it gives me is more joy than I deserve. I took no less than a half dozen naps in the past two days, and in between I purged no less than a dozen boxes...treasures, stuff, books (OH Sweet Jesus the books this girl owns!), set up my guest bed (now someone has somewhere they can actually lay their head, threw away, and made yet another pile to donate, but the biggest WOWSA was setting up my new desk. It looks like nothing I would have loved or even liked a few years ago, but I love it now. It is perfect for the space, but more it feels like me. How is that?!?!? How does that happen?!?!? A desk! Feels like ME?!?!?!

Grinning through misty-eyes.

*Sigh*

If there is one thing I have learned over the past several years, it is that I absolutely MUST operate from my heart...or walk away. Period. That was a hard lesson for this girl; one I wish that I had learned much, much younger. *Sigh*  I would play the martyr role to the hilt even as I was blissfully unaware of it. Here is a little tip...if there is a quality in someone you hate...no, despise....take a long look in the mirror because you probably demonstrate the same quality(ies). *Ugh* For years, I thought I was operating from my heart when the truth was I operated from about ten levels above it...from the safe zone I had built. Now I wasn't a bad person, but I wasn't wholehearted either. I was only half alive, operating from survival instinct, and not quite sure where or to whom I belonged...God that hurts to write.

Today, I operate from a much riskier place, but the rewards...Oh. The. Rewards.


Yesterday I was exhausted. Exhausted. I finally took a break from purging and naps to go get some fried chicken (in a sweater no less - crazy Arkansas weather - it is JULY!). Everywhere I looked...hearts...I mean in the sidewalk, oil spills on the driveway, cut into the concrete, sky, etc...I do mean everywhere I looked...there were hearts. I actually said, out loud, God I hear you...you love me...not today. I don't want to feel it today. I am tired. There was silence. I get to the jeep. Sometimes (I don't know how or why), my iPod will just start playing and shuffling my music randomly. I turn on the Bluetooth and "Let's Make It Last" by Brandon Heath plays. I smile a little. Then "Letting Go" by Bethel. At this point, I am laughing. God...I give. I hear you. What are you trying to tell me?

There is a line at the chicken place, and I have to wait...awhile. I see this quote, "For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would like complete destruction." ~ Cynthia Occelli {Note the quote was on Adam Braun's Instagram page. I am currently devouring everything he has written and done as he started a non-profit from nothing...now changing the world.)}

How many in my life see my life the past 4-5 years as having gone through complete destruction? Growth? What do I see?

I drove back to the loft. Savored my fried chicken. Got to work on my writing desk. It felt like a command. Energy came from where I do not know...except I do. God was ready for me to get busy. Once finished. I took another nap. I spent most of the rest of yesterday just staring at it. Staring.

The words coming...

When I stop struggling. I float. It is the law.
 
"I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." ~ Isaiah 46:4
 
"Nothing can tear us from the grip of his mighty love." ~ Romans 8:38-39
 
Lord I am stepping out from the comfort zone. Letting go of me, holding on to YOU.
 
"Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created." ~ Esther 4:14

We must abandon all we know to be true about ourselves, our pasts, our spiritual cornerstones, our personalities, our strengths, our weaknesses, those we love, and those we thought we were meant to love, our gifts...Who. We. Believe. We. Are.

We must lay it all down at the foot of the cross...and Give. It. Up.

Radical obedience means doing all of this and so much more, but as He re-builds the puzzle and quilt of your heart, soul, and mind in to who you always dreamed you could be...who you always were (albeit somewhere hidden)...He shows you true nirvana...and it comes in the strangest forms, places, and ways....not as you "believe" it should, but as He knows it needs to be. His will; not mine.

Friday night and early Saturday morning I could feel the panic and disappointment in myself easing upon me like a wave creeping up on the shore. The to do lists too long. Fear of disappointing people. Not enough of me to go around. Not. Enough. Yet....I didn't save me. Rebuke. Nothing. God stepped in. He stood between me and all of my old crap and said, "Not today. Not my girl. Not this time." He walked me through yesterday and today like the Master he is...and it has been a beautiful, productive, relaxing, loving, NIRVANA, two days.

Do I have everything done? No. Did I have to make some decisions that disappoint me in myself or others? Yes. Am I any less? Absolutely not.

Tonight, Mugs Café had a special dinner/party to celebrate their one year anniversary. There was great food, fellowship, laughter, and games...plus a few awards. I would like to say that my reward for "cheering them on" was my favorite because if you know me, you know I want "Encourager" on my tombstone...it is my new mantra second only to "Make the plan; work the plan." :))) I digress. ;) Yet...my favorite was winning the (First Edition) Queen of Mugs Café (there was also a King). I mean...first, I don't win anything...so it was pretty sweet. The thing is though that the whole crown, queen thing felt like it was coming more from God than Mugs...Yes, I know exactly how that sounds...but it did/does. I am not really the queen of anything...ever. Yet, I was reminded this weekend, to whom I belong, and to Him....I am a queen.

Where is the nirvana in your life? Is it right there? Are you missing it?

Note: Today I watched the film "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" and downloaded the soundtrack. The film took me a moment, but it is one I will watch again to make sure I am "getting" it. I haven't been able to get it out of my head since the closing credits. There is something there...I am sure if I figure it out, I will write about it. ;) :)))

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)