Saturday, April 12, 2014

I Was Not Born For Easy

Life is hard.

I wish God would let me end this post there, but after a long, early morning drive through the Delta this morning....as I crossed the majestic Mississippi River...God revealed to me what he had held hostage from me for the past few weeks. 

Life is hard. You, my child, were not born for easy.

Well...damn.

{insert nervous laughter here}

The past three weeks have come each with their own emotional, gut-wrenching two-by-four(s) upside my head and heart.  I have barely escaped into each of the last three weekends with my mind and heart dangling, barely hanging on. Whiplashed by life. This week alone saw me crumble into a mess of ugly tears...at. my. desk....to which I have not yet fully recovered. 

When I got in the jeep early this morning...I turned on my IPod and selected my Haiti playlist which is a collection of songs that have been sent to me by friends, or God, on my different trips to Haiti. After this last one, I thought I should put them all on their own playlist so that when I felt Haiti slipping, or me slipping, I could turn it on. Be brought back. Be brought whole. Once. Again.


This morning as I had "Haiti" church in my jeep. I let the highs and lows of the past few weeks wash over my heart. I dropped the load heavily at the alter. I begged God to take it. I begged. 

As the miles of Delta farmland swept by and the sun rose in front of me...I sang. I prayed. I wept. 

As "I Stand Before Almighty God Alone" played (for the fifth or tenth time...who knows), I thought of my own death...how I would love for this song to be played at my funeral...how I hope my friends and family would take comfort that I was standing before God...alone...and suddenly I hoped that they believed and remembered me as having lived that way too. Then I asked why I couldn't come home now (this is not a suicide rant people)...there where I would be free to love and be loved...All. The. Time. I am ready God I said...this life is too hard. I am so tired.

As suddenly as I had the thought, I heard him say, "Heaven is home. Heaven is easy. Everyone there is already free and safe and loved."

Tears.

"I need you where you are. I need you to love the unlovable. I need you to do the hard stuff."

More tears.

Sometimes I do not love like Jesus. Ungrateful employees. Ridiculous rulings. Bureaucracy. Red tape. Bad decisions. Poor planning. Insensitive partners. 

Strikingly...much like me in my worst moments on my worst days.

Deep. Sigh.

I was not born for easy.

A few years ago, I deeply embraced "easy" and gave it my all to live and be in that space. It nearly strangled the life right out of me, but only when it was ripped from me did I realize that the yoke had been too tight. The loss of that "lifel ill-fitting as it was, still wrecks my heart on the bad days. 

I know that I am not made for easy. I. Know. That., but Sweet Jesus help me...oh how I want it some days. So very much.

Sigh.

My yoke is easy. My burden is light. 

Which yoke? Which burden? 

Ugh.

This is a hard post to write. This will be an even harder post to let go of...

What judgement awaits me on the other side of the "publish" button? 

I am so tired of people thinking my life is easy or perfect or under my control.  

My life is hard (though there are easy moments). My life is not perfect. Period. My life is NOT under my control. I am a ship being tossed against the waves....just like YOU.

What I am is...Blessed. Forgiven. Loved. 

Life is hard. It is not for the faint of heart. Each of us have our battles. Our challenges. 

Today I am resting my heart. She has taken a beating as of late. Living heart exposed is beyond any explanation I can give in words. My heart feels raw, vulnerable, broken, and beaten. God is restoring her though...a sunrise drive through the Delta, the Mississippi River, and a day in Memphis with the very beats of my heart (family). 

I am looking for restoration this weekend. The battles (wins and losses) of my life are not over. I have another day in me. A heart, with arms, wide open.