Thursday, February 27, 2014
Let me tell you something. I steal other's words. All. The. Time.
Last weekend at Jen Hatmaker, she told a story and used the phrase, "I was already idling a little high that day..." in it, and I ugly laughed (my extremely obnoxious, loud laugh...not pretty) because frankly, I was a little nervous of how much she had just...well, Nailed. Me. with that statement. I mean...I probably "idle a little high"...Ummm....Every. Day. So after the nervous laughter subsided, I noted it in my journal...knowing that I would be using that one...Ummm....A. Lot. in the future. :)))
Well, it didn't take long.
I was idling a little high yesterday. And by "a little" I so mean A. Lot.
When you run a company that you have ownership in (okay I am an entrepreneur though I grin like a five year old still when someone describes me as such...because...well, that is my father...that is NOT me....right?!).
So...when you run a company that you have a stake in...and say your employees screw up (read that as colossal failure of gargantuan proportions...complete #moralfail)....and your partner looks at you terrified because he knows you are #beyondmad because you have gone silent. There is a great John Wayne movie called McClintock and in it John Wayne loses it...and they describe how they know it is different this time by the look of his face (not his words)...all I am saying is that when I stop talking...you need to back up the bus...because I have peaked into silent mode...and that is a much more dangerous land to be in (for me and you).
So....#moralfail yesterday. Heather silent. You are pretty much caught up.
So...then I get a phone call reminding me of a conversation earlier last week where someone basically took it upon themselves to tell our firm "how many and what for" not knowing anything about us...in a nut shell...I got shook down like I was sitting in front of the godfather (and I haven't even seen those films...not a one...not my thing), but I knew enough to know what I was experiencing...(Please note that the caller was trying to help...had no idea of my morning...loves me dearly and the feeling is mutual).
So #moralfail, I have gone silent, and reminder of earlier shake-down....
Yup...I was "idling high"...to say the absolute very least.
Fast forward from the day from H.E.L.L. (read that as hell). I end up at my friend's house for a pre-scheduled homemade dinner with her family. I picked up a nice bottle of wine. Checked my directions, and headed over. Let me describe my look...I looked like H.E.L.L. (read that as hell). I had on...well, it is pretty embarrassing....yoga pants under running pants with converse sneakers, a sweatshirt, and my hair may or may not have been up in a messy bun (but not that sexy kind you see on Pinterest). I arrive....and as I crossed the threshold my shoulders dropped...for I know that was the first time I had relaxed...All. Day. My friend greeted me with a big hug, and the kids were running around and welcoming me with, "Hi Miss Heather" spoken only as a child can that makes you feel like a million bucks. The food was fantastic. The laughter and ease was fantastic. The conversation was fantastic. The best part though....just being able to BE. Be.
I had a message from someone this morning asking me about my tribe, and their own journey trying to build one after watching me talk about mine so much...and I smiled and got a little teary-eyed as I responded to them with the story (cliff notes) of how mine came to be, what they have meant to me, and how I would not live my life without them. Period. It was amazing to me to recall where I have been and where I am now. Those that have always been with me, the new ones, the ones lost, and my own growth in simply being brave enough to let people in...behind the curtain...flaming imperfections and all. It was a reminder once again to hit my knees and let the gratitude wash over me like rain...because I am blessed...Blessed.
Let me tell you...whatever path I am on, and I am clearly on one, self-awareness, deep joy, self-acceptance, a closer relationship with Jesus, work that truly matters (to me), a tribe....all of that...none of that comes with the absence of anymore of the bad stuff. There are still plenty of times and days and seasons of "idling high"....the difference is that you have a tribe that knows you, loves you, and allows you to be you....in and on your best days....and your worst too.
I have spent a lifetime consumed with shame, guilt, and self-imposed expectations...Me and every other person reading this....because we do that. We take on all that was never meant to be yoked to us. The secret isn't simply in getting un-yoked....it is in surrounding yourself with people who will love you just as you are...yoked, un-yoked, messy, glorious, and everywhere in between. They will love you in and through EVERY season of your life.
My tribe...the whole diverse mess of them...heals me Every. Day. by doing just that, and I am better for them.
My prayers these days are longer and more convoluted than at any other point in my life...and let me be honest here...the daily prayer that always gets made is...God please don't ask me to live a day of life without my tribe...Ever. Again. This girl knows how blessed she is...Truly.
So let me encourage you here...go find your tribe...don't wade into it...JUMP. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done, and yet it has brought the greatest joy.
It is also great for those days when you are idling a little high...;)
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)