The "feel good" portion of the program is now over.
These are the words I hear in my heart this morning after scrolling through photos of my latest trip to Haiti and re-reading the words I wrote here the night before I left...Over.
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Undaunted, page 195, by Christine Caine |
"He means for us to walk into the gap where he's thrown down the cross, to walk like him, to walk with him." ~ Christine Caine {Undaunted}
I am not doing that. I. Am. Not. Doing. That.
I come closer to doing it in Haiti than anywhere else in my life, but I am not doing that.
What is my motive? Who am I pleasing? Who am I serving?
I need God to remember me...all the while he is imploring...
Remember. Me.
I am worrying (Every. Time.) will the children...will Tacura and Caleb..remember me. Each and every time I worry. All the while, they are looking into every bus for a familiar face, maybe even my face...they are wondering if I will...
Remember. Them.
They are asking me...how do they change their destiny.
I can't beg some here to live up to their potential...to clean up a conference room...run a report correctly...answer a phone....
Yet I have stared into the eyes of men and women who need jobs and children growing up way too fast who are five years from having to have a job and are already worrying about how they will find one...what will they do....how will they survive...how will they help support their family...a family that had to give them up and put them in an orphanage because THEY could not afford to keep them.
How do I reconcile that? How. Do. I.??
My work here matters. I know that. I am frustrated at times, but I would be frustrated at times anywhere...even Haiti...even more in Haiti I am sure. What are the lessons though that we can learn from Haiti and implement here? What bigger question(s) is God asking me to consider about my own purpose and calling? Who am I? What breaks my heart? What are my gifts?
I am being called into more....different. I don't know what that means or looks like, but I know that God's expectations for me and my life are changing. He has opened my eyes and heart, but now he expects me to act on what I now know. Unafraid. Unflinching. Unstoppable.
I lost my noodle on our last night in Haiti trying to express how the message of something was being missed. Lost. My. Noodle. I know that these are big issues. Complicated issues. Orphan care. Orphan prevention. Sustainability. Family preservation. I get it. Haiti is the poorest country in the western hemisphere. I have read all of the history books. Reviewed the stats. Seen the film. I. Get. It. That doesn't prevent us from being able to be a force of change....of hope...of love...dream builders. Haiti is a country of strong men and women. Haiti's children are stronger (in backbone and will) than many adults I know...than myself. I am not willing to walk away and give in that the battle is too hard...the wall too tall....and I cannot bear to hear, "...this is the way it has always been..." anymore. I can't bear that in my own firm's industry, and I can't bear it in Haiti. How it has always been is a sure-fire death to the same old same old. We need new ideas, fresh minds, renewed people at the table. We need them at the tables dealing with Haiti just like we need them at the table dealing with energy in Arkansas. We need them at EVERY table.
Remember.
Our motivator cannot be solely profits and statistics, but the individual beating heart of the people impacted by our good and bad decisions. The people who pay ridiculous utility bills in Arkansas and the people who are struggling to find work in Haiti. The common denominator is that these are people. It is time to stop paying Russian Roulette with people's lives....with Caleb and Tacura's future.
Tacura looked me as I peeled myself away from him, and said, "I love you." so simply and quietly that I could not bear it. I can't bear it now. These children...this country...is not asking me to save them...they are asking me to love them, play with them, laugh with them, and give them hope...for a better day.
They give me courage and hope for that better day...Every. Day.