Sometimes I forget how genuinely big and how delicately small this world is...and then an event like IF:Pray happens, and my heart is broken in fresh ways. *Sigh*
I am a woman struggling to refresh her voice.
I don't even know what that means.
I lost my voice. Found my voice. Now...now feels like something entirely different. It is my voice, but not to be used for my purposes, but for others. I find myself weighing over my words (whether vocal or written) in a new way...not out of fear or out of conformity, but out of respect, love, with an intent to heal and not harm. I have too often used my words as a weapon. I have. I own it. I hate it, but all I can do is live, learn, ask for forgiveness, and move on. Now God is teaching me how to use my gift of gab for new purposes....His purposes...not my own. Not. My. Own. Instead of being the final word...win the debate...now I seek to understand...to see behind the other person's words and actions. Is this what growing up looks like? *Nervous Laugh*
I want more time to love people. I have not spent enough of my 43 years simply loving people.
Last night as I held others, and I was being held. Tears flowing. Hearts breaking. Prayers being answered. A baby's beautiful giggle permeating the quiet and solemnness hanging in the air...at just the right time. I swear in my heart I know that was Jesus' giggling at us...with us. There was joy in that space. Pure. Joy.
Life is hard. God is all in the hard with us. He is holding our hands. Rubbing our back. Listening. He is sending us a beautiful sunny day to run away on a patio, early for a dinner meeting, fresh flowers everywhere, a soft breeze, a glass of wine, a new hairdo...he is in ALL of that. Refreshing me. Renewing me. I am here sweetheart...this beauty is for you...and there will be more angst...rest up...savor...enjoy.
Why did I miss this for so long? Idiot.
But now you know....I hear him. Now. I. Know.
Let the memory of this day....this moment stay with me. Let it stay fresh in my heart.
The next 6-7 weeks will be some of the busiest and richest of my life. Of this...I.AM.SURE. I am going to need the reminder and the little moments to remind me that the life I have been blessed with is not mine. He is calling me and planning for me new adventures...new challenges. Rest up pretty girl. I hear that loud and clear. Armor up warrior princess. Yes Sir.
Sometimes I forget to breathe.
Just as I typed that a giant breeze blew through, and I was literally transported to the mountain top of Colorado on that sunny afternoon when God caught me. The words he whispered to me, the birds chirping, and the breeze that blew every last golf ball size tear that fell. I cannot forget Colorado. He won't let me. I am MOST grateful for that.
|Colorado...The Arkansas River...2012|
There are going to be some strange posts (to some) over the coming weeks....for some reason I see fit to warn my readers (though they may be few). In the words of Mary Poppins, "The wind is changing..." Yes it is. I intend to change with it...for a new adventure awaits on the other side...of that I am sure.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)
Labels: Captivating Women's Ministry Retreat, Colorado, God, IF, IF:Pray