This girl is struggling. I am struggling to digest and understand all that I witnessed. I am struggling to grasp even a teeny tiny bit of control over my emotions. I am struggling to not bore my friends and family with stories from my trip....worried I will talk too much, start blubbering uncontrollably (already happened three times), or wear out the patience of people who love me and have patiently walked with me this past year as Haiti has broken me again and again, and now a third time. Will I wear out their patience with me? I worry.
I struggle to find words. How do I properly paint the picture of the beauty beyond words coupled by heartbreak that took my breath? How do I do all of that justice? I want to be fair to the gift I received in being allowed access to so much...experiencing so much. I also need to tell more of Tacura's story. A story that is showing me yet another layer of the complicatedness that is Haiti. Solving the problems there is not as simple as throwing more money at the problems, adoption, more people helping, etc. Haiti needs to be addressed with a scalpel not a machete. I problem-solve for a living. I am struggling with not only how to discern all of that knowledge, but how I can be of use...am I to be of use? Where is God in it? Where is God in my own story? What does God want me to learn and discern in all of this?
Questions? Questions? Questions?
Where are the answers???
In time. Get ready. Stop worrying. The whispers of my soul...
I think this post is about me asking for grace from all of you. This is also a post where I ask for prayers.
When I was a little kid, there was this spinning disc thing at the park. It had bars on it that someone or many would hold onto, run as fast as we could, and then jump on, and then lay down while the whole world spun above us. It was exhilarating, and I loved it. The faster the better. A couple of times, I got sick, but it never stopped me from jumping back on and doing it again.
My life feels a lot like that spinning disc. I ran hard, jumped on, and it is moving super fast, the whole world is above and around me, and it is thrilling....but I am feeling a little nauseous. I don't want it to stop, but I do want to throw up every once and awhile to make the ache in my belly go away. Then, I will be good to go again.
Let me be clear. My life is JUST like that spinning disc thingy right now.
*Sigh*
In an hour, or three, the doctor will call me back to give me my blood work results. He will kiss me on the forehead. Yell at me about going to Haiti (not a fan of overseas travel). Give me a grade (A+ - F) for my results. Hug on me. Send me on my way.
I don't want to love on these adults and children in Haiti, hug them, encourage them, and then move on with my life. I want to be a part of the solution, move the needle, make a real difference...what does that look like for me? my life?
James 4. #mindblown
Sometimes when God reveals to you a new passion, buried passions, dreams, etc...he goes slowly, peeling it all back one layer at a time. To show us everything would scare us silly and...Take. Us. Out. Jen Hatmaker refers to it as pulling the string. My string has been pulled. Clearly. 😳
