...I didn't know what I was going to write sitting on my couch at 4 a.m (up since around 1:30 a.m.)....and I started with this photo thinking it was going in one direction...and just like that...it changed. Boom.
Well played. Well. Played.
I wrote a post once about the wilderness and the lessons I was learning during a season trudging through my own wilderness and how a pastor/teacher/mentor/someone had given me a fresh perspective using the story of the Israelites wandering for 40 years in the wilderness...By Choice...What??? #mindblown #Iwillnotfullydigresstherenow
I just had an epiphany...are the storms surrounding me as of late...my own?
Insert four letter words...Here.
Several in my "tribe" have been urging me forward in some pretty radical directions lately...and by "radical" I fully mean fully out of Heather Ruth's comfort zone. Fully. ;) If you read this blog regularly...you know that Heather is fully in love with her comfort zone...and God is trying to break us up. For. My. Own. Good. So clearly he has started bringing in additional soldiers in the battle. He doesn't need them...yet he is using them...and that alone is giving me tremendous pause...
This life is not for the faint of heart...on a good day...on our best days. This life...when you are working to live it on the edge of good sense...all heart...radically obedient...ignorant of what is next...embracing even the worst ick with faith in something greater than you or what you can see right before you.....well, I feel a lot like I did when I was five years old riding rollercoasters with my grandfather...giddy, terrified, safe, free...Free.
I just had another...Sigh...
I am reading this book called "Reckless" by Jennie Allen, and it is wrecking me. I just remembered something I read in it the other night, "Because we are never free until we let go."
I feel like someone just did those jumper cables on my heart just now as I was typing that...
I am going to have to come back to this post, but in an act of bravery I am going to post it icky and scrambled (like some good eggs) this morning...first, because my heart was just wrecked in those words...second, because I have to go meet my firm's crews at 5:30 a.m. (I clearly drew the short straw there...just kidding...:)))
I don't know that I believe finding my way through the storm is the point...not anymore...I think as I am letting go...the storms are simply becoming more apparent to me...and I am growing less fearful of them...because it isn't about me or my ability to control or fix or save....my only job is to release my grip, trust, love, pray, stand up, be present, be brave....all in the face of I have no idea what is coming next...and that is okay.
I am letting go. I have let go.
Shaking my head...
Healing is a gift. Healing is such a gift. I love when it happens and you don't know it until you are sitting at a computer in the middle of the night with a full heart, heavy heart, weary body...and the healing reveals itself as you type. That is how God works with me, and I am so grateful. In this moment with tears in my eyes, starting to fall to the keyboard...body spent, brain fried, in the same clothes I threw on running out the door at dawn yesterday morning...I am so happy. So happy and laughing...and that my friends is the gift. His gift.
God is in the roses and the thorns...and that is beautiful.
I have miles to go...lessons to learn...but I am further along than I have ever been...and the realization of that small victory...is more beautiful to me than...well, anything.
So let the storm rage...and the waves crash.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)