Thursday, August 8, 2013

A Woman Disrupted ~ Another Beautiful Layer In My Story


Let me tell you about waiting....

It sucks.

In the moment I could care less that there is something better coming...that I am getting a little better every day...a little stronger...that my faith in others, myself, God is getting stronger...Every. Day. I could care less about any of that...becomes I am waiting (read that as stuck) in the weeds. Sinking. Emotionally...Every. Day. (not really...but it feels like that on some days)

*Sigh*

*Breathe*

In times of great change...whether emotional, physical, or spiritual...our lives in chaos, under attack, disrupted. Disrupted.

*Sigh*

I am about to digress....

I love to write...I NEED to write so much these days...that I actually write in multiple places, multiple journals, it is a slight obsession coupled with there is a lot of STUFF rattling around in all of the places of my being...heart, mind, soul...So when I started feeling this latest disruption happening (read that as feeling stuck) this past Tuesday morning, my eyes were wide open...I knew what was happening...YET....

I couldn't stop it.

Yesterday I went back in some of my private writings...searching...then I found it...I found this from June (post Haiti)...

"I am a woman disrupted. My heart is disrupted. My life is disrupted.

I don’t know what the next days, weeks, and Lord willing, years of my life will look like. I don’t know what God has in store for me. I don’t know what joys or despair I will experience. What I do know is this…..God met me on that mountain in Colorado last October. He met me, he knocked, and after 41 years I stopped cracking o...pen the door….I swung it open. Ours is not a perfect relationship (I am still me and human.), but it is one that is growing, evolving, and deepening. He wants to save me, and I want to be saved. He is teaching me how to trust him, and I am learning to trust. He is showing me new loves, and I am once again learning how to love and be loved. He is showing me grace, and I am learning to show myself and others grace. His mercy is enveloping me, and I am granting more mercy to others. He is revealing to me my sins and shortcomings, my brokenness…and I am not turning away….instead facing it with him, and allowing those to be healed and changed. He loves me…Me…this big pile of brokenness and ick….and I am learning to trust in that love." ~ Heather {A Private Post, mid-June 2013}

 
I needed this reminder this week...maybe someone else does too...someone who has disruption as part of their story. I absolutely have disruption in my story right now. Lots and lots of disruption.
 
I am waiting...I am becoming.
 
I know this is true. I absolutely KNOW this is true. Yet...it is SO hard...so, so hard.
 
"When the exhaustive exegesis of God's Word doesn't create people transformed into the image of Jesus, we have missed the forest for the trees." ~ Jen Hatmaker
 
This week I have felt under attack. Attack. Some of it is real, some of it is just learning to live in this place of vulnerability, completely in tune with my feminine heart. I think Brene Brown should have written warning labels for the front of her books..."...dangerous for your life...dangerous for your heart..."....like I would have NOT jumped in, head first, in the deep end...but still...consider yourself forewarned.
 
I am on my third cup of Sumatra (Starbucks via Keurig) for the morning....bear with me. :)))
 
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." ~ Ephesians 6:12

When I talk to most friends...they absolutely get where I am at...whether they are religious/spiritual/neither...some...well, some look at me strange...and bless them, it is the same look I have every morning staring back at me while I am brushing my teeth. :)

I am convinced every other moment that I have quite literally....Lost. My. Mind. :)))

Not too long ago I considered myself fearless, bold, brave...now I realize, laughing as I type this, that I had nary a clue what those words meant for me and my life. Being controlling in and of your life is the least brave thing we do..you do...I do. I had convinced myself otherwise. Ha! Giving up control...being vulnerable...being open with others about my vulnerability...Whoa! Now that is bravery. I feel like I am in a foreign land, learning a new language on the fly...It is scary and ugly and icky and awesome and amazing and lovely and weird.
 
"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free." ~ Jim Morrison

I love this quote...almost as much as I love Jim Morrison and The Doors. Miss him...I digress. The truth is that everything I am studying and reading proves this out...but I will tell you this...exposing yourself (read that as all of the stuff you have spent a lifetime hiding from people) feels like streaking naked in Times Square at New Years...NOT good. :))))

You have to actually grow though to find growth. Funny how that works....:)

When God asked me last November..."Are you ready now?"...I thought I knew what that meant...but sitting here now with tears in my eyes...I recognize that I didn't have a clue....it meant so much more...on so many levels....you don't know what you don't know. :)))

What does disruption feel like for you? How do you handle it?

I applaud you for being brave as you survive your own disruption...it is not for the faint of heart. :)))

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)