Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Awake My Sleeping Heart

Let me tell you a little story...

There once was a little girl who had it all...then nothing...then all again (or so she thought)...and then nothing...and then, and only then, did she hear a voice saying, "Are you ready now? Now?" and knowing in her heart whose voice it was...and being so tired...weary really...she said, "Yes."

I think one of the reasons I love stories so much is that my own life has been such a good read...Really. It will make you laugh, cry, there are heroes and villains, a fairy godmother, suspense, danger, romance, and mystery. It is a page-turner.

I digress...

The reason, truly, I love stories is surely because I come from a long line of storytellers though ironically not from my immediate bloodline, but they are back there. I had a killer imagination when I was little...I mean it was something else. I was alone (all day) with my mother until age four, and then I had two little baby dolls (my twin brother and sister) to play with and mother for a full year before I headed off to Kindergarten. Those first five years were the best years of my life (and the immediate four after those)....until now.

That said, I would make up stories. Dress up. Play teacher, doctor, preacher (along with all of the other church roles I knew), and mother. I even made a game out of cleaning my room...zoom, zoom...as I recall. I could imagine so much more outside of what I could see with my own eyes. I find that such a gift. Mostly a genetic gift...but I also have no memory of anyone ever hampering or stifling my imagination those first blessed years of my life. I see that now as the gift it was....I wish it had always remained that way, but I remain blessed for what I had...and today, that is enough.

The more I learn and come to understand my own brokenness...its depth, its source, and its healing...I recognize more and more that God...my God...the one I have kept at arm's length, close, but arm's length...for 24 years (easy), but possibly since age 9. That God, my God, has always been here..right next to me...waiting.

Patiently.

God's love for us is endless...

The Captivating 7 (my tribe that met in Colorado last year) have a private place where just the seven of us can write to each other, share, sort through issues, pray together, complain together, and gain strength together. After several weeks of sketchiness on my part....Haiti...starting a women's group at my house weekly...Camp Caudle....my liver biopsy/drama/apparent healing...I have had my plate full and just didn't want to sit down until I could really sit down and write...unload...debrief with all of them. So tonight....I did. Did I ever. Wow. It was a 100K feet debrief. Help us all if I find the time and energy to dig into the weeds. :)))

I digress...

Tonight as I typed...my heart came unwound...unglued. UN. (and not the United Nations :))

I was actually describing my hopefulness at the time...how I know "I am on the right path...headed in the right direction...deeply loved by God...and he is moving...in me, around me, through me..."...and then it broke..."but it is like when you stand up and your foot is asleep and it hurts and tingly and numb all at the same time...that is how my heart feels...and it overwhelms me."

...I am going to just let that sit for a moment...

...and BREATHE...

I have not treated my heart kindly. I have not treated my heart kindly...for years...33 to be exact. I have either given it away to those who did not have a clue what to do with it, or I have kept it hidden behind walls of reinforced steel. I have sacrificed it for security (financial, career, and otherwise). I convinced myself that I was tough, strong, self-sufficient, and all knowing when it came to what Heather wanted/needed/did. This is not to say that I am not tough, that I am not strong, or that I am not self-sufficient. It is also not to say that I am not wholly and deeply proud of my life, my accomplishments, my friends, my family, etc. What it IS...is to say that all of those things are neither WHO I am or WHAT/WHO I want to be. My career is what I do; it is not who I am. My walls, while having proven to be successful, have not helped to protect me...they have imprisoned me. I saw someone the other day, and they said "There is My Heather."....I am becoming a little more Me every day...not just external....INTERNAL. It is breathtaking...for me, but really for the experience of seeing myself through other's eyes...people who have loved me through...well...they have loved me through A LOT. They have seen other's hurt me. They have seen me allow myself to be hurt. They have seen me hurt myself. They have loved me through it all. Those people...those are the ones that when they see me and say, "There is My Heather." to me...a phrase I have never heard uttered before from their lips...that is the voice of God coming through them to me...urging me on...reminding me that this incredibly hard work....painful work to find my way to me (not backwards mind you), but ever forward...to me. IT IS HARD. Don't let anyone ever feed you BS that growth is easy...growth is good...growth is yada yada yada. Growth sucks. There I said it.

Haiti broke my heart. Haiti was the most beautiful thing to happen to me and my heart in a long, long time. Breaking my heart was the best thing it could have done. Why? Because I left on a plane to Haiti not knowing what I had to give...not knowing if my heart would even work....was my heart in there....somewhere? Anywhere? I sincerely did. not. know. When I say that I found my heart in Haiti. I am not kidding...not even a little...and when my sweet friend suggested I give an example (prodding my heart) to a group of women who are searching...just like me...and I told the story (cliff notes) of my heart...and Haiti...I wept. I wept. Like a child. In front of a group of women I barely know...in front of a group of women I did not want to tell that too..weep in front of..open up to like that...and that is how God works. My God works.

If I give and give of myself, my heart like this...will I have enough...will I run out? Will it be like before where I gave of my heart and my life until it hurt...until my well was drying, the ground dry and cracked beneath me.

He says no. I heard him tonight say, "No."

These aren't loaves and fishes I said...and he laughed as did I (though mine more nervously).

He said, "You won't run dry. Keep going."

Okay...

"It isn't YOU this time. It is ME. I will provide. I will give. I am in control. Remember...remember that talk we had..?"

Ahhh...yes, and I smile.


My sleeping heart is waking up...finally...it is waking up. Not because of anything I have done, but because of what He is doing in me, through me....FOR me.

If you know me any at all and read this...you know that obedience is NOT my strong suit. It will be though....I am going to break the yoke I allowed to go on my neck. I will not be confined by the past. I will not let the past dictate my future. I will keep discovering my own story, sharing my story, learning other's stories, and building them up.

What a journey I am on...(shaking my head)
 
 "I once believed my life had nothing to offer the world - and I know better now." ~
Brian Beckman

Yes I do...and I am learning every day...Every. Day. :)))

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)