Saturday, May 4, 2013

In Search of Be.

I am on the verge of losing me again...

I heard this album and this song for the first time this past week, and on this lazy Saturday morning, it is speaking to me...Holly Williams' Without You...and it is not speaking to me about being without someone else...it is speaking to me about being without me...Me.

I am on the verge of losing myself again, and I feel myself slipping into that vortex of taking care of everything and everyone but myself. My "role" since age 9 has been to "take care of things"...not to say that I am good at it...I am simply "owning" the fact that it is my role, and I slip into it instinctively without knowing it (most often) and before I know it...I have allowed my reservoir to be bled dry again...and there is nothing left. Nothing left...of me.

So...what is it going to be? Be?  Me...or everything else?


I cannot take care of everyone and everything else if I allow myself to wither down to dust. I have to feed my spirit...or I am worthless to others.

Worthless.

What does it mean to "be" in the body and spirit that God gave you? To be fully present in YOU? I have a craving to know, and yet a deep, tremendous fear of knowing what that would be like.  If fear is of the devil (and I personally believe it is), the devil is all over me on this.  In that broken spot of me of having to take care of everyone and everything, I have been convinced that if I do not in fact do that...everything will fall apart, and it will be all my fault...I will have let everyone down. Yet...insanely enough, it is by burning myself out and trying to in fact do it all, that I end up letting everyone down...mainly myself.

*Sigh*

What does it mean to be...Be. To be true to oneself. To be true to your heart? To be true to your spirit? To be true to your soul? To be true to your own body? To be true to your mind?

Seriously...what does it mean to just...Be.???

I don't know, but I am determined to find out.  I will not lose myself again in the busyness and demands of a life that I give power to control me. I am still the boss of me (says the 5 year old deep within).  I have a choice. I have a voice. I have a God given purpose. The busyness is my safe spot, and it will take true bravery to step out and simply...Be.

I want to think that I am getting better at being brave. ;)

Be.

What do you want to Be.?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
~e.e. cummings

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)