Saturday, March 9, 2013
Okay....so I am taking an extra long, extra hot shower this morning which makes me feel quite literally reborn after battling the worst sinus/chest/cold infection since I had walking pneumonia several years ago.....
....and I am in the shower feeling so blessed to have a hot shower, and I am thinking about Leaving Eden because I have Brandon Heath blasting out of my IPod, and my mind wanders to how to keep myself in this place mentally All. The. Time. because lets be honest no one does....and it is even harder when you are under the weather, and stressed, and life....and so my mind wandered just like my writing is now...
I decided that as soon as I got out of the shower, I was going to sit down and write. I need to write. I haven't written. Really written in a few weeks, and Lord knows that I have had plenty going on...:)
I digress. So I am powering up my laptop with the title and photos set in my mind to use for the post....Mastering A New Way To Be, and while waiting I checked Facebook and there was a photo by IV....
I have to laugh because I just finished this Bible study with a group of women on Discerning the Voice of God, and I am amazed at how...when I stop....for just a moment....and pause...silencing the madness in my mind, my body, my heart...I hear. Him. Talking to little old...Me.
As someone told me this week, Heather you have a laundry list of vices (Sailor mouth, funny/dirty mind of a 14 year old boy, over the top passion that seizes my better sense and brain, etc.), but you are a good person. You have a great heart.
I am not a quiet, simple, pure person, Christian, friend, daughter, sister, Aunt, etc....
I wish I were...more often than most would probably imagine.
I am raw. I am real. I am damaged. I am flawed. I am Me.
I am a woman of tremendous faith....for others. What I lack, tremendously, is faith in myself, for myself, for God and others in my life (when it involves me).
I am angry. I am SO angry. I am angry primarily at myself. I am also angry at people in my life who have disappointed me beyond measure....who have let me down. Who have failed me.
One single tear fell just now.
I am about to do something that scares me to death....go somewhere that scares me to death. I am not scared for my life. I am scared for my heart. For my soul. I am afraid of the change that I know will come. The change I know needs to come. I have held onto my anger like a badge of honor. A badge of survival. A badge of pride...I was hurt. I was hurt so deeply...so badly....you won't hurt me.
What a crock.
I am about to do something to scare me to my core because if I don't, I am afraid the anger might consume me.
I need to see others who hurt, not simply more than me, but obscenely more than me. I need the tough, crusty, damaged fortress around my heart shattered. I need to be broken. Deeply.
My original thought (above) for this post...
Well, that didn't go as planned....:)
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I am blessed beyond any measure. This isn't about being blessed....which I am. This is about getting my mind, my body, and my soul out of this world and thinking differently, more globally, more purposefully....
Getting out of my head....and living only through my heart.
I am terrified. Absolutely terrified.
The fact is though, that I am more terrified of what happens to me, my life, my legacy if I do NOT do this.....if I don't channel bravery within myself to see and experience more.
My friend, those children will probably believe I am helping them, but the truth is I am praying they save me.
I have faith.
Faith they can move the mountains around my broken self. I have faith because three children have saved me every day for 19 years.......this time, it may simply take a village....
I don't know if this post makes any sense to anyone but me. I am going to hit publish and not worry about what it may reveal about me that I don't want revealed. I am simply being honest at this moment in time that just like each of you, I am blessed, but I am hurting....I am not perfect. I need more...from somewhere deeper in myself....to be revealed.
I am working on simply mastering a new way to be. Less me. More love. More purpose.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)