So...I am a slight music addict.
I'm "owning" it. :)))
Today I got to see Beci and Mama Doretha briefly while they were in Little Rock. It is always wonderful to see people who love you and feel those "love" hugs. *SMILE*
So as I drove back to the office, I found myself listening to the title track "Glorious Ruins (Live)" from the album Glorious Ruins by Hillsong Live. As I have come to expect, even though I have heard it dozens of times, this time it struck me in a new way. I can't find a version of it to link here from You Tube, but here are the lyrics...
Glorious Ruins
VERSE
When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
PRE-CHORUS
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace
CHORUS
Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign
And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing
VERSE
When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence
"Ruins" could stand for just about anything...something lost or abandoned, being defeated, etc. I am suddenly relating to all of them. *Sigh*
So...it sounds sad, but it isn't. It. Is. Not. Sad.
The lessons, the very brutal lessons, of the past couple of years are lost...Lost. *Phew* I don't have to repeat them...if...IF...I learn the lesson. I think this struck me because Mama Doretha has a magical way about her that makes anyone feel...well, Glorious. When she hugs you...you know you are being HUGGED. There is no lukewarm or halfway with her. There is a lesson in that for me. Many lessons.
So I have been simmering ever since on what this song means to me...especially as I have struggled the past couple of days. Struggled with a capital "S".
I am asking for it though...lets get real for a moment. I have been asking for it for 18 months now. I hit my knees back then and said, "What do you want from me? For me? With me? Because I am completely stumped...thrown for a loop...bewildered." Son of a gun if God didn't answer...but he knew me...he lured me like a fine fisherman...there was no bright light or booming voice for me. Nope. He spoke quietly, softly, gently, and when I least expected it...
He brought me back to life.
Life.
The truth is that he loved me back to life....and I didn't love me very much at the time...so that is saying something right there. *Sigh*
I feel like I have walked through the fire these past 18 months. I am weary, yet truly being revived...Day. By. Glorious. Day. I also know that I am getting better, clearer, and closer to true freedom...because the devil is quite literally swarming me (for those who believe in spiritual warfare...I know you understand this)...a sure sign you are headed in the right direction. ;)
I know this may come across as icky, sticky, and not very Pollyanna...but it is the raw, real, place I am at in my walk...in my life. I am not perfect or even trying to be perfect. I am just a girl working to find her way back to herself. I sold my soul to the devil for my profession, and I paid dearly for that. I lost...well, more than I care to re-visit here...tonight. I was blind believing that everything I was doing was right, and I could not have been more wrong. I succeeded by the world's standards and failed everywhere else. I live with that...Every. Day.
“Above all shadows rides the sun.” ~ J.R. Tolkien
The joy is that in so much lost, I have gained...more than I deserve...not in, or of, this world....but in friendships, in tribes, in new adventures, in a clearer focus, a deeper relationship with Christ, in family, in direction, in purpose, in more refined and deeper passions...I have gained more Life.
I think I had to dive into some serious ick these past few days to have the realization I just did in the last paragraph.
I have come so far. So much farther than I realized before just now. I saw in it Beci's beautiful blue eyes today..a knowing...leave it to someone else to reflect "you" back to yourself in a way you never could or would...*Sigh*
This is my new mantra....
The truth is...I lost my way...working to build a life...now I am working to truly live a life...My. Life.
...and it will be...
It. Is.
"...I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace..."
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)
