So here I am...
In less than 24 hours, I will be in route/in Haiti. I am here because of the persistence of two men and God...all whispering to my heart until finally I listened...
I am releasing my grip....and no, I do not have any clue what that fully means.
As KD said to me yesterday, whatever "blip" you encountered on that mountain in Colorado last October, it popped in Kentucky this past weekend. He is so wise...that is why we call him "The Wise White Haired Man" :)....If there had not been Colorado, there would not be Haiti. If there had not been Colorado, there would not have been Kentucky. If there had not been Kentucky, there would not have been what has been occurring this week....and with my latest health odyssey (that actually was discovered because of Haiti and my need for some additional immunizations), a firm that is doubling in size, and the normal stress and strain of a life that I like to believe I live at full throttle....this exhausted woman hit pause and said, "It is time to stop and begin again." I have lost my way. I have silenced my heart, the very thing from God that gives me life. Whatever am I going to be able to give in Haiti I had been asking???....
...and then Kentucky.
I am reading so much material right now that sometimes I believe my head will explode, yet with every single thing I pick up lately, there seems to be a lesson....from a Soiree where I see my brave, strong friend on the cover, being celebrated as she gives back after one of the most wicked bouts of breast cancer I have known of, to a book on poverty in Haiti that my friend IV recommended I read before the trip and the acknowledgement that there are some things in this world you can not simply band-aid, to a new daily devotional I have started that this morning when I opened to today's date, was entitled, "Releasing Our Grasp"....and....
Whatever God you believe in, however you pray, meditate, etc....there tends to be a universal belief out there that God, nature, etc. is speaking to all of us....whether we are listening is a WHOLE other story. That said, when I was in Colorado, I said (for the first time in my life) that God met me there on that mountain. I was broken and hurting and lost. Whether it was by my own volition, or God simply said, "Enough."....he was there, time stopped, and I finally broke through some pain that had been building in me for a very, very long time.
Yet...I knew then, and he reminded me in Kentucky...that there is more work to be done.
My deepest prayer this morning, outside of please God let me get everything done that I need to do before my flight, is God please let me fulfill whatever is needed from me, on behalf of you, while I am in Haiti.
"Above everything else guard your heart, because from it flow the springs of life." ~ Proverbs 4:23
As difficult as this will be, I am going to give the job of guarding my heart over to God. Haiti will take a delicate balance of being open hearted, but not too open hearted (that may seem confusing unless you have read some of these books on extreme poverty or seen it for yourself...which on this level, I have not). It is a delicate balance that I alone am not equipped for so I have little choice than to let God lead me and protect me in this adventure.*
*That sentence actually made me burst out laughing as a tear fell. This should be interesting. :)
As I do final preparation, I cannot help but think of Doretha...her open heart, her hospitality, the magic of her presence and her home, the way she lives her life arms and heart wide open, and how she loves...Everybody. If I can learn a smidgen of that, show a smidgen of that, give a smidgen of that...I too could say that I have had a life well lived. So in the end, I hope that I take Doretha - her lessons and her heart - with me on this adventure. I hope I have learned well...I pray that I have learned well.
Listen to the whispers of your heart...
I am. It is not always easy or painless or perfect...it is truly living not just surviving, and I have had plenty of the latter to last me a dozen lifetimes...it is time for me to truly...Live.
If I can be so bold, if you are reading this, please pray for the team of people going to Haiti...for safe travels, open hearts, God's will.
I also would ask that you would pray for my health. I will be having more tests when I return from Haiti, but the good news is that it does not look to be life-threatening, and they are not making me cancel my trip. Hopefully it is nothing, but the doctors want to be sure. There will be some painful tests when I get back, but I am not worrying about those now....in fact, while a little shocked that once again something had "popped up" shocked me two weeks ago...it in no way compares to the battles my friends are going through with their health. My sweet E who is battling cancer for the third time in less than three years and others who have larger battles in front of them. They give me courage to face whatever it/this is....plus, my specialist told me to bring back a couple of babies for him...so I have work to do. ;) All kidding aside, I am sure I will write more about it later, as I can and want and need to, but know that I am not in grave danger...but I would ask for prayers.
I won't be writing until I return, so between now and then....enjoy the break from me. :)))
Thank you for reading my musings, for so many of you that read this - for being my dear friends, for loving me, for praying for me, for inspiring me.
Our lives are a journey....we are out here in this world not satisfied with the safety of concrete paths, but steadily and faithfully with machete in hand...making our own fresh trail through the woods. Even on my worst days, I am still glad for this...Always.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)