Thursday, June 20, 2013

In Search of the Glad in a Liver Biopsy


I am soaking up the sun in an attempt to feel all of its energy and God's love.

So...as I am sitting out here on my deck trying my best to relax about tomorrow, dang it...the sun is SO bright I can see my reflection in my laptop as I type and all I can think is..."When did my neck get so OLD looking?" :))))

...then I start laughing...

*Sigh*

Let me list off the things you DON'T worry about when you are in a third world country and how I miss everything on that list. (I'm shaking my head.) Yeah....I am still working on my "re-entry" as they call it, and no amount of warning or advice prepares you for it...so there is the full truth of it. You're welcome. :)


I miss Tacura. There...I said it. I miss all of the kids, but everything about them is wrapped up in those final moments I got to spend with Tacura and how he looked and acted about my leaving... So..my mind and heart go to him. I can't wait to see him...all of them again.

I miss my best friend. Most days I am good, but others I am not. Today is a NOT.

I miss the things I am sure of....and there are fewer items on that list then there once were. Strange.

I miss the one thing I have grown more sure of...God loves me. NO. Matter. What. Trusting in that is a battle on the good days...on the bad, it is a war. He is patient. I am not. I am looking for the lessons. He is patient as I am a slow learner. It is a relationship. The one I really, REALLY need to get right. Once and for all. It drives me...daily. I miss it because I am devouring the lessons I am being taught, shown, given...because they are a...Gift.

I miss the ease of walls. Today I got hurt...twice...by people and in situations that would not have bothered me in the least even two months ago, but today...where I am....all of this vulnerability mess added on too (Thank you Brene Brown.)...it is painful...brutal even. *Sigh* Being open hearted is tough for this tenderhearted girl. Today is a reminder why I walled this bad boy up so well. *Ouch*

When you are single, you have no one to take you to the doctor, surgery, etc. Even with dear friends (and I have more than one person deserves) and a Sis you adore more than life...it is always a struggle of who do you inconvenience because the guilt is there. I have been overwhelmed at the offers today to take care of me, put me up, take me to the hospital, sit with me before and after surgery, etc. It has been breathtaking and unexpected. Yet the guilt sits with you...like an ache...

Being single is a lot like being an orphan (whether you have parents or not and depending where they are....go with the thought...).

So....I wrote as that came to me....let me ponder that.

Being single (for me at least) feels a lot like being an orphan.

Adrien might say I have had a breakthrough.

Well I need to lay down now. That thought chain just Took.Me.Out.


Tomorrow I am having a liver biopsy. They don't think whatever is causing crazy blood work is serious, but they don't know what the cause IS, so they are going to go the source of the problem, take a sample, and see what it tells them. Funny thing...a 30 minute procedure wipes out a day of your life, puts you under (literally), and makes you do fun things like update your trust and tell everyone you see for seven days prior..."I love you."....or is that just this girl?

I am glad that tomorrow will be over soon...and at least I will know.

That is all I got. As I told the "Captivating 7"...I am feeling a bit "pissy" today. *Sigh*

Okay...that might have made me smile...:)

***So I just read through this...what a mess of thoughts. Oh well...if you read my stuff, you are pretty used to my digressions and such. I am having a hard day. Forgive me. Nothing a clean bill of health, a good night's sleep, and prayer won't cure.***
 
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." ~ Philippians 4:6

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :) 

4 comments:

  1. I just discovered your blog and feel like I have been given a gift. You speak so authentically and beautifully about the emotions, fears, beliefs, and hopes of a single woman facing the world with courage and faith. As a single woman myself, I too interrupt my talks to God with questions about where all my wrinkles and sagging flesh have come from and while giving my heart to the promise and joy of children. Thank you for lending me your voice. You are in my prayers today.

    Eleanor

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    1. Eleanor, thank you. I have to say...your words humble me greatly. Before a couple of years ago, I didn't even realize I had a "voice"...much less that others would feel I gave them one. So...Wow. Deepest thanks. That said, I have to give all of the credit to God who has had patience with me for 42 years as I have made every mistake imaginable...and even now as I learn to really, deeply, truly trust him with my life...finally giving up control to his will, not mine. Being single...the trials and joys of that are something that I am still learning to navigate...and even more, learn that my "single" status doesn't define who I am...to anyone but the IRS. :)))

      Thank you for taking the time to read and to post. My deepest and sincerest gratitude.

      Heather

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    1. Thank you!!! Much needed, and even more deeply appreciated. Love you guys; hug that beautiful girl of yours for me. :)

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