Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A Life of Purposeful Accidents

There are no accidents.

Truth.


I have listened, argued about, studied, and at times simply shrugged off the many sides of predestination, free will, "meant to be"....*Sigh*...I am sitting here tonight wondering why I thought those were a good use of my time and energy?.?. What does it REALLY matter?

There are no accidents. Accidents?  I don't know (shaking my head).

Did I "accidentally" hear what I wanted to hear from the doctor two days before Haiti....no big deal, results Monday, probably nothing. Well, it seems it was (in fact) a big deal, the results did not come on Monday (today), and you can guess where my mind is going on the final one....*Sigh*

I heard what I wanted to hear...primarily, "I am not going to stop you from going to Haiti." I am still pretty sure he said that. :)

I take it as a good sign that I smiled about that just now...because there have not been a lot of smiles for me today. I am struggling.

First, I forgot to tell them about my latex allergy...I can hear Treva's face squish up...yeah, not as bad as it would have been for her, but everywhere they bandaged me is itching and on fire. *Sigh* I am bruised and wounded (and that is just on the inside). Men always are surprised at how women are about "wounds" on their bodies...okay, this woman. I don't believe I have always been this way....maybe I have...I don't know. What I do know is that I get very emotional when I don't feel well. Plus, it is like I see my body for the first time with the bandages and bruises...and it feeds into that whole, "Am I pretty?"...What is with that??? Worst sick person...Ever.

Ever.

So I got home late tonight from the office having accomplished very little other than the fact that I didn't kill anyone in light of one "office" disaster after another today. I am hurting a little (no Sis, I didn't overdo it). I have zero appetite. I'd love a glass of wine, but we know that is off limits along with Ibuprofen, my beloved gummy vitamins, prescribed B12 shots, and any "unfamiliar" food, etc...the list of what I cannot ingest is longer than what I can...okay, maybe not, but it feels that way.

I am pissy. Sorry.

I digress....

Over the weekend, I got a call from a friend who was asking me all about Haiti, and I was telling them about the trip I plan to take in November that will allow me to go to the northern part of Haiti to visit orphanages there, learn from the local fishermen...AND where there are these "amazing" dominoes games. Amazing. I have seen pictures. If you lose, you pin a clothespin to your ear, nose, arms...you get the picture. They are...in a word...Intense. :)

IV had me at dominoes my first day in Haiti when he was telling me about this trip they were planning. I mean...I was the first girl to ever beat my Uncle Odale...it was epic.

So in telling this, I learn that this person loves dominoes. Really?!?! I have known you for over 20 years...I had NO idea. This morning, I get a text message with a photo of their desk with a box of dominoes on it. It cracked me up. To which there was some trash talking back and forth...causing me to show them pictures of Uncle Odale and Miss Rosemary...

...and somewhere in all of that I forgot that I was going to have to wait an extra five days for test results...that demons had infected all of the electronic equipment in our office...that my side and arm were itching uncontrollably....that my bandaged area hurt...that I might actually never get caught up from being out of the office one solitary day...that I...

*Sigh*


Whew...Truth.

I am trying....the funny thing is it is when I am not being successful at this...that he sends tiny angels to me that remind me that I am going in the right direction...that I am growing, learning...

"God is okay with me even when I’m not okay with me. And that's a beautiful truth." ~ Lysa TerKeurst

My health feels "at risk". I don't feel very beautiful today. I didn't get everything done I needed to off of my to do list. I feel...dare I say...weepy. I am not sure where my "A" game is, but "B" and "C" are with him. Just sayin'. :)

There are no accidents.

Maybe. Maybe not. What I know beyond a shadow a doubt is that my life is NOT going the way I planned it...but it's going EXACTLY the way God planned it...and I'm okay with that.

...and THAT is enough...on the bad days (raised hand here)...and more than enough on the good ones...:)))

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :) 

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