Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Lessons of My Life ~ Hello Sunshine

 
Goodbyes Suck.

If I had a nickel for every single lesson I have learned in my life to date...

Yet, alas, I don't. Well...dang.

Goodbyes suck. They really suck for this girl. Yet with every goodbye, there ultimately comes a day when it hurts dramatically less and then for some of them...suddenly it doesn't hurt at all. You feel yourself laugh again. Smile again. Feel...really feel again.

It is the miracle of all miracles for this tender heart of mine when healing comes once again.

Earlier this week, I caught my reflection in my rear view mirror and the girl that looked back surprised me. She looked vaguely familiar. The eyes, the smile...the pure joy. It was like seeing a long, lost friend.  I pulled over, and I took a picture. I wanted to save that look for posterity, and I knew there were at least a few people in my life who had been waiting to see that look again (I was right.). :)

I believe I had to live with this latest pain awhile longer than normal, and I have had some setbacks in healing from the pain(s). There are mistakes, bad judgments, regrets, and then there are....Game Changers.


I love this quote. Love.

I will not fear what lies behind me, but I won't fear what lays before me either.

Life. Adventure. Perseverance. Joy. Love. Faith. Hope.

These are the enduring lessons of my life. Every. Day.  I am blessed to have had the lessons...and the healing...:)

I remain a blessed girl.

It is nice to have 'Sunshine' back. ;)

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :) 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Where You Are



For the sake of this post, lets just say I am "making one"...
 
:)))
 
Sometimes the best place to be is exactly Where. You. Are.

My devotional this morning was entitled "Truth In Love"....Ahhhh...I was loving it already after reading only the title....

How is it that we miss (and mess up) Ephesians 4:15 so much...Every. Day.  All. Of. Us.....???

There is this song right now that is just burned into my head entitled "Where You Are" by Gavin Degraw, and although it initially made me think of someone from 20 years ago...it has grown on me to also make me ponder on my relationship with Christ, my view and relationship of/with myself, and my life...today and tomorrow...and every day thereafter. 

When I was young(er)...;)...I thought I was so wise, introspective, perceptive...blah, blah, blah.  I didn't know squat. One of the things you learn with age is that so much of what we always thought was black and white...simply isn't.  What we thought was gray...so NOT.  We didn't really know much of anything...really...:)

My truth. Well, that is simply my truth. Not yours, or anyone else's. Simply mine. Yet...whatever my truth is, if it isn't based in love...if it isn't shown, taught, spoken, exampled in love....then it is hollow...for me.

I have spent my life trying to find a way.  My latest lesson...I have been making my own way, my own truth...All. Along.  Jesus has had his hand on me the entire way...leading me by not leading me.

Huh???

The greatest loves are those that are unconditional...that love us through the best and worst times of our lives...that cheer us on when we have given them no reasons...that urges us forward even when giving up is oh so much easier.

When everyone else has broken me, let me down, walked away, disowned me...I am never, ever really alone. I know as well as I know anything, that the fact of that truth has saved/is saving my life again and again...Every. Day.

I have some of the largest professional responsibilities of my life. I have more opportunities to travel, help, advise, consult, write...than I could have ever imagined....and YET all I want to do is go see if two dear friends of mine are right and that a path I could never have imagined has found me...only to change me in ways I cannot even imagine. When I think about the opportunity to help...to see if I can help...to see something I can't really imagine...I can't stop smiling.

I am smiling from the inside out.

Wow.

Somehow the path I have made...has led me to where I am...which is exactly where I am supposed to be...and where I will be for each additional day I am blessed with...

Where. You. Are.

I have traveled a million miles to get to this place in time. I am perfectly content allowing the doors (and windows) to open as they are...I am relaxed even in the changes and chaos that envelope me. I know that it is all going to be okay. I have zero idea why. :)))) 

Sorry...that made me laugh out loud. 

I do strategic planning for a living...

Still laughing...:)))

I can't remember ever feeling as content as I feel in this moment. It is the most peaceful, pure aura (and no I am not losing it) that has come over me...Ever.

I don't know what any of this rambling could possibly mean to anyone else, but let me just say that sometimes the right answers are the scariest choices. Sometimes the right answers hurt. Sometimes the right answers leave us broken...but not forever. Whatever your belief...I make no secret that mine is Jesus...there is more out there for us, guiding us, loving us, holding us....even when we are broken, even when we are alone....especially when we are alone. To know that....to share that with others who are broken, scared, lonely, hurting...is a gift.

Someone told me once that "broken" people...children especially...relate to me because they sense the broken child that still resides in me.

Yup.

I get it.

...and that boys and girls is when I started seeing my truth...my "special" gift. I am done fighting it.  I have no shame. There is a broken child in me...and no amount of love while I reside on Earth is going to ever fix it...but it can be used to help others.  I just had to accept it and get past my own pride and ego that I was all fixed up. That "I got it"....I don't. He does. He has a plan too...and I am but a pawn...dang it. ;) :)

I am not one of those that believes you can be "fixed"...what I believe in is that God's grace is bigger than my pain. Bigger than my shortcomings. Bigger than any mistake or sin I ever made/committed. I believe he has taught me with my pain, through my pain...through my mistakes. He taught me empathy. He taught me love. He taught me forgiveness. He taught me that good-byes are sometimes necessary, and that I will survive them. He taught me that where you are, when in him, is wherever he wants you to be.

...and that is too deep even for me....:)))

Where are you? Who are you? Really. 

Are you finding a way? Making a way? Just surviving?

I am a work-in-process. No more. No less.

I am falling in love with my life anew.  It is a hell of a ride. I am making my way. I am...Where. You. Are.

Always.

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :) 

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Mastering A New Way To Be


Okay....so I am taking an extra long, extra hot shower this morning which makes me feel quite literally reborn after battling the worst sinus/chest/cold infection since I had walking pneumonia several years ago.....

I digress...

....and I am in the shower feeling so blessed to have a hot shower, and I am thinking about Leaving Eden because I have Brandon Heath blasting out of my IPod, and my mind wanders to how to keep myself in this place mentally All. The. Time. because lets be honest no one does....and it is even harder when you are under the weather, and stressed, and life....and so my mind wandered just like my writing is now...

I decided that as soon as I got out of the shower, I was going to sit down and write. I need to write. I haven't written.  Really written in a few weeks, and Lord knows that I have had plenty going on...:)

I digress.  So I am powering up my laptop with the title and photos set in my mind to use for the post....Mastering A New Way To Be, and while waiting I checked Facebook and there was a photo by IV....


...and Stop.

I have to laugh because I just finished this Bible study with a group of women on Discerning the Voice of God, and I am amazed at how...when I stop....for just a moment....and pause...silencing the madness in my mind, my body, my heart...I hear. Him. Talking to little old...Me.

Faith. 

As someone told me this week, Heather you have a laundry list of vices (Sailor mouth, funny/dirty mind of a 14 year old boy, over the top passion that seizes my better sense and brain, etc.), but you are a good person. You have a great heart.

Truth.

I am not a quiet, simple, pure person, Christian, friend, daughter, sister, Aunt, etc....

I wish I were...more often than most would probably imagine.

I am raw. I am real. I am damaged. I am flawed. I am Me.

I am a woman of tremendous faith....for others. What I lack, tremendously, is faith in myself, for myself, for God and others in my life (when it involves me).

Deep breath.

I am angry.  I am SO angry.  I am angry primarily at myself.  I am also angry at people in my life who have disappointed me beyond measure....who have let me down.  Who have failed me. 

Whooosh....

One single tear fell just now.

I am about to do something that scares me to death....go somewhere that scares me to death.  I am not scared for my life.  I am scared for my heart. For my soul.  I am afraid of the change that I know will come. The change I know needs to come.  I have held onto my anger like a badge of honor. A badge of survival. A badge of pride...I was hurt. I was hurt so deeply...so badly....you won't hurt me.

What a crock.

I am about to do something to scare me to my core because if I don't, I am afraid the anger might consume me. 

I need to see others who hurt, not simply more than me, but obscenely more than me.  I need the tough, crusty, damaged fortress around my heart shattered.  I need to be broken. Deeply.



My original thought (above) for this post...

Well, that didn't go as planned....:)

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am blessed beyond what I deserve.  I am blessed beyond any measure.  This isn't about being blessed....which I am.  This is about getting my mind, my body, and my soul out of this world and thinking differently, more globally, more purposefully....

Getting out of my head....and living only through my heart. 

I am terrified.  Absolutely terrified. 

The fact is though, that I am more terrified of what happens to me, my life, my legacy if I do NOT do this.....if I don't channel bravery within myself to see and experience more. 

My friend, those children will probably believe I am helping them, but the truth is I am praying they save me.

I have faith.

Faith they can move the mountains around my broken self.  I have faith because three children have saved me every day for 19 years.......this time, it may simply take a village....

I don't know if this post makes any sense to anyone but me.  I am going to hit publish and not worry about what it may reveal about me that I don't want revealed.  I am simply being honest at this moment in time that just like each of you, I am blessed, but I am hurting....I am not perfect. I need more...from somewhere deeper in myself....to be revealed.

I am working on simply mastering a new way to be. Less me. More love. More purpose.

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)