Wednesday, January 16, 2013

People Change

I have started something new in 2013...I now fall asleep to music.  I know...I am a radical. :)))

All kidding aside, it is a big change for me.  I have had a horrible time sleeping the past two years. I even had a doctor scold me about it *Ouch* and subsequently prescribe a sleeping pill for me. (If you know me, you know a pill was NOT what I wanted to hear/do).  I simply could not turn my brain off at night.  As a result, I got in a really horrific habit of playing movies at night or watching television on my phone via various apps.  Anything to dull my senses long enough to let me sleep.  It was horrible not being able to sleep...but my "cures" were not much better...actually they were worse.

That said, I committed that I would change my ways in 2013...go back to reading before bed to start turning my brain down, do my nighttime yoga routine, AND I decided to put my IPhone to good use and set it to where it would play an album and then automatically go off; this allowed me to drift off to whatever music hit my fancy on any given night.

One word....Aaaaaaah. :)

It has been like a miracle.  Truly.

I am sleeping oh so much better already...and yes, there are a lot of other external and internal factors at play, but no doubt my before bed routine is contributing to my overall sleep.


I digressed....Big. Time. :))))

My point in all of this was that I found a GREAT new band, via a Twitter follower, called for King and Country...they were on Jay Leno...my follower saw them...bragged all over Twitter so I had to You Tube them...;)

Wow.  I ended up downloading their latest album, and I am hooked. Hooked.

I digress.

Yesterday was a LONG day. Wow. Long. Great. Fantastic. Devastating for a moment. Wonderful. Just a typical day in the life, but also the classic "there is no way I am going to be able to get to sleep tonight" days. So last night I crawled in bed (I had been craving my bed all day...can't tell you how long it has been since I felt like that), completely worn out, heating pad on, pillow under my knees (thanks again Gail for those little tips), and turned on my music...I decided to go to sleep with for King and Country's album on...as I settle in People Change started playing.  Now, I had not (still haven't) heard the whole album all the way through so I am just listening...so when this came on, and I instantly had a reaction two lines in...well, I stayed awake to listen to it all the way through.

Let me just say whatever the intent of the songwriters for this song...last night it was perfect for me in a very personal way.  I texted my niece. I wept a little. Grieved a little. Got angry. Said some things out loud and in my head that were horrific. Prayed. Gave it up...it all up (John Hendrix's advice from 25 years ago still haunts me and pushes me. Thanks John.).  Then the most amazing thing happened....I fell asleep. Asleep. I slept eight hours plus a little..;)...like a baby.

There are things that have happened in my life that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish them on Satan himself.  I have always chosen to deal with those things privately, with very few (1-2) that I trusted with my soul.  I have done that due to being a private person (with a very open life...I am so weird), but to protect the ones who had done me harm. I never saw any good in blasting to the world what someone had done because I would never want that done to me...no matter what; we all fall short of the glory of God.  Something I am learning though, is that there is also a selfish reason why I don't "out" people that hurt me...I am embarrassed. Yup, I said it. I am embarrassed because I feel like I deserve their actions or words...because I am simply not worthy.

Well that ends here...and now.

People change. People do bad to other people. People leave. People become someone you no longer know or recognize. People change.

I am a woman with abandonment issues that go back to my childhood and my parents and their divorce....and the sudden deaths back-to-back of two grandfathers that I adored beyond words.  I am a sinner.  I have made mistakes that sometimes still take my breath.  I am tenderhearted to the point that sometimes it feels like my heart has taken over my body and I am nothing but one giant "feeling"...yes, I am all of these things...and so much more. So. Much. More.

People change. I change.

What has been done to me has nothing to do with Who. I. Am. It has everything to do with Who. They. Were. Who. They. Are. Read that again.

Who. They. Are.

People change, but I can no longer let their change define who I believe I am. Who I know I am.

All of us have people in our lives that change on us, and we no longer know what to do with our relationship with them.  Do you walk away from it? Adapt to them? Them to you? Ignore it? Disappear?

It is incredibly difficult...no matter what decision you make. People enter and exit our lives every day. Every. Day.

What I know for myself...I can't "own" all of that emotion and uncertainty on my tiny shoulders or in my too big for my britches heart. I have to give that up to God and let him "own" it. Let him have it...all.  I have to give that up every time it rears up....and it does rear up....until one day it won't. Poof. {I started learning this lesson back in October at the ministry retreat with Ransomed Heart Ministries.} I can't get to the poof without the hard work of training myself to give it up. Hard. Work.

My name is Heather Nelson, and I cannot "own" it all.  *Deep Breath*


I love my beautiful, crazy, intense, eccentric life. I love the people who choose every day to be in my life. Choose. I love them for it. I owe them for it.  Because I....better than most...understand that not everybody (even the ones that should the most) always chooses to remain in a person's life. They walk away. They disappear. Sometimes, through no fault of their own, they die.

At the biggest moments of my life - both victories and losses (since the age of 18) - I have made secret trips to the grave sites of my two grandfathers. I don't talk about these trips. I tell no one. I just go. I sit with them. I talk. I cry. I grieve. I laugh. I rise. I go on.

No matter what happens in our lives, the best of those in our lives will always be with us. Always. Where others have left gaping holes, God will fill those holes with his love, with his mercy, and mostly with his grace. His grace. Not mine. His.

Thank you to those that choose to be in my crazy, little life. I love you...so much more than you know. My wish for you today is that you say thank you to all of the people in your life that choose to be in it. Never take that for granted. Ever.

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :) 

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