Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Beauty In Losing Control


When I was a little girl, one of my favorite things to play was church.  All of my animals and dolls were my church members. I had grape juice and crackers for my communion.  I was the song leader, preacher, and everything in between.  I absolutely LOVED it.  Once I cut my bangs (a nice big whack) for a sacrifice...I am thinking we had probably been studying Abraham...my parents were not amused by my offering (but I am pretty sure God was laughing up in heaven watching that 5 year old giving it all she had...for him).  Now I am starting to wonder if we are all lucky I didn't become a cult leader...hmmmm...

I digress.

Which makes my point.  No doubt one of the things I loved about playing church was that I did EVERYTHING.  I had control.  Yeah...I said it.

Isn't that telling...for us all...

As I have matured (Lord willing) as a person, as a woman, as a Christian...I have learned (okay I AM learning) that the beauty of a relationship with Christ is not all of the traditions (read that as control), or the...(wait...let me first say that I absolutely LOVE a lot of the traditions...okay, moving on), or the going to church.  The beauty of it is in the RELATIONSHIP that I have with Christ.  Just me and him...daily, hourly, every second of every day.  He wants my heart.  He wants a relationship with ME.  I'm learning that really...that is all that I really want too.  At the end of the day, and at the end of my life...my relationship with him...OUR relationship with each other...is what really, really matters. Phew.  I need another sip of coffee...and to wipe my eyes.

If you had asked me at any time over the past three years what the next 40 years of my life were going to look like, I could have (and would have) laid it all out for you...chapter and verse.  My God...our God has a wicked sense of humor, and timing, and he has a way of giving us everything we (believe) we want, and then waiting patiently while we discover that what we really want (and need frankly) is to say, "Lord what do you want for me?"

...and there you have it...

I am not a retired or reformed control freak...lets not go nuts...that would be pure crazy talk.  What I am is a woman learning, slowly learning, to give up control in my life...a little bit at a time.  Remember you have to crawl before you walk. ;)

I am also learning to be more open to what is being revealed to me instead of dictated by me and my preconceived notions of what my life SHOULD look like at any given moment.  I may need more than coffee after that...

When I woke up (very early) this morning, rolled over and looked out into the beautiful trees with their golden fall colors, sun rising...I prayed (out loud) for God to take over...completely.  I'm tired of doing it on my own, and honestly...I just don't even want to anymore.  I want the next 20 years of my life to look different than the last 20...I want to be different, better, more joyful, more peaceful...I want my life and my work to merge in some strange way that they bring more joy and hope to others while focused less on making a select few a lot of money.  I want there to be more joy and less stress.  I want to BE the person that I always believed I could be...that at times I have deceived myself that I was...*Sigh*

I want a relationship...with Christ...where he has control, and I have none....and I want to like it that way. ;)

This isn't the end...it is the beginning, a new beginning.  I woke up this morning and therefore, as the saying goes, I still have purpose.  My hope is to use that purpose more wisely...I have had a wonderful, blessed life these past 41 years...I simply want to get better, be better. 

It is a journey.

"...And there’s a road, a winding road that never ends
Full of curves, lessons learned at every bend..."

Happy "New Day" Sunday! :)))

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)