I have gone from tremendous peace to unbridled anxiety to solemn indifference...and that was just in the last 30 mins. *Sigh*
Honestly, I am paralyzed by fear right now. I see the light at the end of the tunnel...I know what the end game is, but for the life of me...I cannot figure out how God is going to get me from here to there. I am being forced to decide between making a plan or resting in peace (i.e., trust). Don't help me...I believe I might know the right choice. :)
Frankly, I am not good at peace, patience or trust. I am a planaholic. On my tombstone it is going to read "Make the Plan ~ Work the Plan"...I am not kidding. :)
The truth of the matter is that none of us are really "good" at patience. Some of us simply hide our lack of patience better than others. I am transparent...brutally so. I also know that I have to get this right this time. I have been here before. I have gotten within ten yards and choked. That is hard to admit, much less write. Free will really sucks for the most part. You can take that religiously or not, it makes no difference to me because the bottom line is the same....having to make decisions for yourself, by yourself...just plain stinks. Giving it up...to others, to God, to whoever...well, a root canal would be more pleasant.
Whether to make and follow my plan or give up a decision(s) to God is my overriding challenge right now. Can I do it?
I don't know.
In the spring of 2011, I did one of those photo challenges on FB where each day you have to select a photo to represent/answer the question for that day. I had forgotten about it until a sweet friend commented on the album tonight, and it made me go back and look through each of them. A lot of smiles...thank you Whitney. :)
On Day 18, the challenge was "A picture of your biggest insecurity." I posted the photo above and wrote the following: " Am I enough?? I never had this concern prior to my parent's split, but afterwards it became my greatest insecurity, and it doesn't matter how many degrees, great love, great friends, great job, awards, etc. you earn...on some level, this will always be there poking at you. I am grateful that God has a bigger stick. ;)"
I now want to send this picture to every kid I met last week at CC. They need it; I need it.
Do we plan out our days, our years, our lives because we don't believe we are enough, and if we keep the wheel turning then no one will realize that we don't have it all together/figured out? Does the planning come from our insecurity about trusting God or because we simply don't trust ourselves? Does true peace only come when you finally unclench from your death grip on controlling your life...your destiny? Is part of owning my story, owning up to the fact that I have made decisions based on fear?
These are all things I need and want to figure out....for myself. Am I the only one?
I believe in second chances...and thirds and fourths...for others. Now I have to give myself a second chance at learning how to choose peace over plan. This is NOT going to be easy, but I am trying to be brave. :) Bravery is a beautiful thing, and we all have it within us...sometimes we just need to dig around for it for a little while....before we finally find it. :)
Note: Planning is a wonderful skill set, and one I am proud that I have....that said, what I am talking about here is obsessive planning and plate spinning (for those who like anaologies) in order to dodge something deeper.
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)