How many opportunities can one girl entertain before her head COMPLETELY explodes? Also, I had forgotten how much I missed doing laundry. These opposing radically hysterical thoughts are just a sampling of what has been rolling around in my head for the past 48 hours.
This morning when I woke up....before I even opened my eyes, I prayed...I prayed to God to clear the path and reveal what he wants...not what I want. Before you go, "Way to go Heather!"....I am overwhelmed so I don't simply want God's guidance...I NEED it. Desperately.
This got me to thinking...
One of the things I discovered while at Camp Caudle ("CC") was that I don't spend enough time in stillness, in quiet, simply "being"...and this past two weeks have shown me quite clearly why that is...and the blame lies solely with me. Yesterday I ditched my social plans so I could find some quiet time. I did some overdue tasks around the house (laundry being one of them), and in between loads and folding...I sat on my couch and wrote....long hand. I wrote a long letter of gratitude to an old friend of mine. I couldn't believe what came out on paper....basically 5-6 years of stuff. *Wow* So for about five hours I gravitated between laundry upstairs and writing on the couch downstairs. No music...nothing. Silence. Okay, besides the washer and dryer....and the rumbling in my head. :)
What a wonderful five hours.
We...okay I....go go go constantly. When do we ever stop? When do we ever be? When do we ever take the time to do tasks in silence or simply sit in silence? I would venture that I am not the only one that would struggle to remember even one date. What are we afraid of? Yup, I said it. Afraid. I believe we are all slightly afraid of silence. The silence around us...the silence inside of us...what could come out of the silence.
If I go back and look at critical points in my life where I screwed up royally...I would see a pattern...me running, running, running....instead of pausing, taking a breath, making the best decision, and moving forward calmly and decisively. I am grabbing desperately at the gear shift and pumping on the brakes to try and slow myself down right now. It is not easy. BUT, I know myself...too well, and I need to slow IT down. Now.
There is a great podcast by John Eldredge entitled "Spirit of the Age" that a dear friend of mine gave to me years ago...it was my first introduction to Eldredge, and that introduction has changed my life. I have listened to that podcast so many times that I believe I could teach it. I can hear it in my head as the chaos swirls around me. What CC did for me was stop the roller coaster for a week. That sudden detox was exactly what I needed to break me from my addiction to busyness (if only for a week). It is an addictive drug though, and I struggle with it...Every. Day. I like busyness. I am addicted to it. There...I said it. :)))
A state of simply being. What the heck does that even look like? Maybe it looks like laundry, a notepad, and silence. Yesterday it did. All I know is that finding those moments in a day, hours in a week, and day(s) in a month where I can find quiet time with myself...with my soul...is becoming (not becoming...IS) critical to my sanity (all dear friends stop laughing here :)).
A state of being. What a concept. :)
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)