Saturday, July 14, 2012

In Search of Changing the World


I have this funny theory that all of us wish in some small way, in some deep dark place inside of us...that we could actually change the world. 

Maybe I want to believe this because I have that wish, and because it doesn't seem to be staying in the deep dark place it always has been...I am a girl in a state of flux.  Who are we kidding...I live in a constant state of flux. :)

I often wonder what my little life would be like if so many people had not stepped in at various times to "save" me, love me, carry me, listen to me, support me, cheer me, pray for me, give of themselves TO me.  I shudder to imagine.

Hmmmm...

I have been packing like a woman on a mission for the past couple of hours.  I am headed to church camp...as a counselor....give it a minute to settle in your mind. :)  As I was packing up my toilitries eariler, I suddenly stopped, and I sat down and prayed.  I prayed that God would give me big ears to listen, big arms to hug, big smiles to encourage, and the right words when necessary.  I prayed that he would take all of the "me" out this week and put all of "him" in so that all of the humanity of me wouldn't influence these kids...but that the love of him would permeate their hearts if even in a small way.  I prayed for his wisdom...not mine.

I live a life that is all about me...maybe some of you that read this can relate.  I'm not speaking of pure selfishness, but I am speaking in a way that you do your job...you run your family...you do the things you should...Every. Day. 

Part of my current state of flux is that the life I lead is not satisfying me in the way it always has in the past.  The past six months and a half months I have been questioning the "safety" of my life.  I do and I do, but what I have to show for it no longer holds the same value (in my heart) that it once did...maybe I never listened to my heart before in these matters.  I simply don't know. 

This upcoming week has been on my calendar for over a year.  It is a commitment that I made to two very special people this time last year when I couldn't do it then...because of career commitments.  Who could have predicted that this week was coming at such a pivotal point in my journey.  A journey not for riches or glory, but a journey for my heart.


I have no doubt that I will get more out of this week than the kids I am being sent to be a "counselor" (lets all use that word loosely :)) to.  I have no illusions that I am going to be a catalyst to change the whole world this week.  All I am hoping is that I can act as a pebble being tossed across a pond.  Just a tiny ripple will do, and if I never know the effects of that ripple...I am okay with that, and that my friends...is a first for this girl.

"Be an opener of doors for such as come after thee, and do not try to make the universe a blind alley." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I head south in a few hours, and I am told there will be limited to zero cell or Internet service.  That means no posts for awhile...I am not one of those crazy bloggers who writes ahead...I write in the moment.  Sorry. :)

Please pray for me...for those I will impact...and lets all pray that my impact is positive. :) 

Someone told me yesterday that I was going to have lots of jewels in my crown (after learning of this week).  I immediately laughed.  Nope, I am simply trying to offset all of my many sins.  I can't even see the crown yet.  Maybe that is seen by some as negative, but I believe it is me seeking humility that allows me to see myself as a sinner in need of a Savior...Every. Day.  I don't see myself as good or bad.  I see myself as a child of God, and a work-in-progress.  That is just fine by me.  If it isn't by you, that is okay too.  :)))

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! 

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