Sorry I have been...well, distant.
I know it is surprising, but I have been...well, very busy. The real reason for my distance though is more because the volume of rumbling around in my brain has been SO loud and SO voluminous, that even writing could not be the "release valve" (unless I had a week to sit somewhere quiet and write...which I SO clearly do not right now) it has proved to be in the past. :)
Tomorrow I have a strangely important meeting that I am neither nervous about nor prepared for...
Hmmm....
The strange twists and turns of my life these past several years would make the greatest of novels...if only it were fiction. *Sigh*
The fact that my life and my choices have been judged so much by so many (close and distant and even some unknown) has been humbling and disgusting simultaneously. Trust me when I say that this gives you the strangest of sensations....in your head and heart.
Two weeks ago I had the "best blood work ever" results from my hematologist. He smiled (an unusual thing for him), and asked me what I thought was the cause, and I smirked and replied, "You mean other than the fact that I have doubled my dosage of the half of glass of red wine (daily) you prescribed for me." I cracked him up. He thought I was joking. {Note even my very strict CoC grandmother was unaffected by the fact that I was put on this regiment. Amazing that the distortion of the Bible is put aside by a medical degree. *Sigh* Laugh or cry. I choose laughter.}
I digress...
The fact is that our lives are roller coasters. Big, giant roller coasters. Which makes me think of my PaPa. A man who into his 70s was loving and riding roller coasters. This is also a man who was incredibly limber (physically). He died suddenly of a heart attack when I was nine. What did this teach me?
Live.
Sometimes (okay, a lot of times), I will go to the cemetery and visit with my loves that have passed on. I find comfort sitting cross legged in the grass telling them about my life, my doubts, my dreams, my fears, and my anger...primarily at them for dying on me. {Reminder...woman with serious abandonment issues right here, hand raised, both of them.} I drove to Memphis (where my PaPa and MaMa are buried) from Little Rock once just to introduce them to my new puppy Charlie...their first grandchild from me. It was a wonderful visit under a beautiful strong oak, cross legged in the grass, with a still very sick Charlie (he had parvo...unbeknowst to me...when I adopted him) laying there in the grass on their graves. Some would say I love this because I have a captive audience, and there is surely truth to that. There is also truth to the fact that I hear them in my heart, and I feel them in my soul, very closely, during those times. That comfort that I find...the solace...keeps me going back again and again.
I digress....again.
Whatever the reason for these people wanting to meet with me tomorrow. Whatever their intent. Whatever the outcome. I am at peace. Not because I say I am, but because I really am...I don't know why or how, but I am. When I was nine years old, I wrote a bucket list (now this is long before the phrase was coined). For me, it was simply a life goal list. I was a child who needed a goal. A reason. A purpose. A plan. Very often, no matter my age, I am still that girl who needs a goal, a reason, a purpose, and a plan. The fact that I might have an opportunity to achieve another life goal from that silly list, is shockingly, not affecting me. Lie. It is, but not in the way I would have thought. I am calm, slightly emotional, and very nostalgic. I know not why.
Life is about dreaming. Life is about taking chances. Life is about squeezing the most out of every day. Life is riding the roller coaster, every time you get a chance, and squealing at the top of your lungs like a small child. :)))
To dream or not to dream...to dream is to risk, and I for one know no other way than to risk...all.
Thank you to my bold, crazy, ambitious, dreaming, risk taking, roller coaster riding, loving grandfathers. Flawed...yes. Brave...yes. Dreamers...YES.
I am the good and the bad of my legacy. What I choose to draw from, is my 100% choice. I choose love. That, my friends, is making all of the difference in my small, wonderful, crazy life.
"There is no greater rush than being in the small boat. You feel every wave and every bump, and you can change course on a dime. I have loved feeling every bump.” ~ Steve Jobs
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)
