I just finished Beautiful Outlaw. I cried.
I cried a long time.
I thought I had forgiven all the ones that have hurt me, but I hadn't...I hadn't forgiven the one person that I still blamed for hurting me, for allowing the hurt to happen...Jesus.
The truth is that we are not allowed to say that out loud as Christians...My oh my we cannot blame God or Jesus. Well, I never admitted that to myself much less said it out loud, but now I realize that I have blamed him. I have blamed him all along. I have blamed him for letting my family fall apart when I was nine. I have blamed him for not giving me a husband, children, a family of my own to love and be loved by. I have blamed him for so much. I blamed him because it was easier than blaming the people in my life who really were to blame, or blame myself, or even blame Satan. Instead I blamed the one person who sat there with me and took it all with me while I was going through it, and then from me when I needed someone to blame...someone to be angry with...Oh My.
I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Every. Day.
I am also a cherished, child of a very living, breathing, loving God.
I don't have all of the answers. I don't want all of the answers. Okay...maybe I do a little. :)
I am a searcher. A gypsy. I am a passionate woman who wants to be happy, healthy, and whole. I want to make an impact. I want to leave a legacy. I want my life to matter.
I am learning...ever so slowly...that it does.
My latest lesson in forgiveness came from reading a book about Jesus...about a man who lived passionately, who loved passionately, who loves passionately.
If you are a Christian or simply are curious about Jesus, I would highly recommend this book. It is piercing in the best and worst ways.
I am glad that I got sick this past weekend so that I slowed down long enough to read this book. Now I have to do something with all of this new found knowledge??
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)
Labels: Beautiful Outlaw, Forgiveness, Gypsy, Jesus, John Eldredge