Today is my baby sister's birthday. I guess she isn't a baby anymore. I was so happy that all of us got to spend not only the day together, but the weekend together. In the midst of the craziness...it was a long, peaceful, fun weekend.
As we drove away today, I sobbed harder than I have in a long, long time. It wasn't just driving away from Hilde and her family (which kills me every time), but the reality that we have lost so much. Even then, I was reminded that with all I have lost these past several years...God does know our limitations because my Sis was still there with me. She is still with me. :)
I look at my life today, and sometimes I barely recognize it. So much has changed...so much. Good things. Bad things.
|Me and my baby "Sis" Hilde. She is amazing. Period. |
I look at Hilde's kids who seem to have sprouted into mini-adults in the two months since I saw them last. I see them...all of them...embrace Leon as one of the pack. Wesley said it best though when he described how much the age difference between them was showing more now...all of a sudden.
I wonder when did Sam develop abs with a six pack (is that how you describe it :))? When did Jordan start looking so mature..not just model beautiful...but MATURE? When did Jon start using $10K words? Okay...on Jon...when he was about two years old, but now when he uses them...it stabs me in the heart because he is...well, older.
|Jon, Sam, Jordan and Leon|
I just lost it again.
Sis and I have been to hell and back. Not once, not twice, but multiple times. We are more than sisters. We truly are "Sisters-in-Crime". :)
When she was born, I just knew that she was all mine. My real, live baby doll. I have heard they wondered if she would ever walk because I carried her everywhere. I was 4 years old when her and Jason were born. They were big babies...let me tell you. :) The pictures of me holding her are priceless. I loved her then, and I love her now.
I believe in some selfish, strange way I wanted to protect her then from growing up too fast, or I wanted to keep her my baby...who knows. I have always been a little too protective of her. She is clearly her own woman....a great wife and mother. More than even that, she is a great christian. She struggles with the complexities, twists and turns of our lives...of her life...with tremendous grace and perseverance. I learn from her. Always.
We go on. We move on. We live.
Love and loss are a part of every day of our lives. For some it is a part of every minute of every day of their lives. Do not judge.
There are days like today where the great intersection of my loss and happiness are more than I believe I can bear. I heed my own words and try to grieve, move on, and focus on the blessings I have been given.
I have no idea why this song came to mind while writing this post, but it just fits..."I'm Movin' On...sometimes our lives move on, but our hearts get stuck somewhere in the past....in our pasts. Just like forgiveness (or anything tough), it isn't a one-time occurrence. Sometimes the act of "moving on" happens over multiple attempts.
I looked at my/Hilde's babies this weekend, and I wondered where the years had gone. As Wesley drove away today, I was silently sobbing (Wesley reaching to hold my hand.), and Leon chattering 90 to nothing in the back seat...asking me, "Heather why this? Heather why that?" (...mainly..."Why can't I stay another day?") I caught myself laughing as I sobbed because here is this child who needs us...who wants us. A child who has had his entire world turned on its ear, and he just bounces through life...embracing whatever change hits him at any given moment, day or weekend. He enthusiastically bounded through this past weekend like he had not a care in the world...a dozen questions at any given moment, but not a care. :) Whether it was a new house, dogs, different church, new foods, new restaurants, new stores....no worries. :)
Leon has that "I'm game." attitude that I adore in another human being. The same attitude Hilde's kids have....something new?....oky doky. Let's go! :) :)
What loss we have had, but what love we have gained. Though I hope and pray that I have more time, I wouldn't take anything for my journey up to now. I wouldn't change a thing for I know that God's will is perfect, as is his timing, and mine....well, mine, simply put, is not.
I will always be a girl who wants more...I have an insatiable thirst to know the place I haven't been, the challenge I haven't met, the story I haven't heard, the dream I have not made reality, and time...I am a girl who wants more time.
|It is the journey...what are we making of it?|
I pray that I am using my time well, yet I wonder...
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)
Labels: Hilde, Moving On, The Serenity Prayer