Drug Test 101 OR Another Edition of "I Can't Make This Stuff Up" :)

Today my boss and I went to a clinic to do our drug tests.  Simple enough right?  Well, obviously NOT.  We had grabbed a quick bite to eat and then headed over.  He had a long winded call come in while we are headed there while I am trying to MapQuest the directions on my phone.  To be honest, the chaotic ride over there should have been my first clue of what was to come. :) 

When we get there, the nurse is busy so I am drinking my to go water from lunch.  Suddenly, I am panicking because I have no urge to pee.  BTW ~ if you are already offended by my use of the word pee, I highly recommend you close out of this post now.  Just sayin'. 

So the lady scolds me and says stop drinking...you will dilute your urine sample...blah blah blah.  I was too busy stifling giggles watching my boss' faces to hear the rest.  Then she takes me into the room first, and is going over the procedures.  It is very important that I fill the cup up "this much" so they have enough for all of the tests.  My boss is standing in the doorway cutting up the entire time.  Let me explain...he is very funny coupled with a tremendous amount of energy.  It felt like I was in the middle of a Laugh-In episode.

No, I am not kidding.

So as she is going over "this much" with me, I seal my fate by asking the dumb question...what if I can't get it to that line.  Well, my boss is in the doorway still and he nearly loses it.  Let me add this is a grown man and one of the smartest people I have ever met, yet he is cutting up in the middle of a drug lab. :)  I, on the other hand, am quite serious because I am really starting to worry .  For the first time in a two week period where I have fought to get five minutes to pee, suddenly I have zero urge.  Just great.  The nurse takes me back to the bathroom, and wait for it....my boss is still following us!  He is cracking me up.  She is pouring dye in the stool, putting on rubber gloves (he is asking her why those are necessary), I am rolling my eyes, and frankly the whole time staring at that cup and the "this much" line fretting more and more.  She finally leaves, and I can quite literally hear them gabbing RIGHT OUTSIDE my door.  I cannot pee under this pressure.  I finally do, but I sense it is not enough.  It looks close to the edge so I say a prayer.  When I open the door, I smile and say, "Right to the edge." I mean a big nervous smile.  My boss is still laughing...especially after he utters, "Nice color."  I am shaking my head thinking, "How did I get here?" :)

The nurse pours it out in to two separate viles.  Nuts..just shy of enough.  I nonchalantly say, "So I will just come back later today or tomorrow."  No, no, no....you are not allowed to leave.  She says that they will give me 12 ounces of water to drink every 20 minutes until I am successful.  I am so shocked, my boss is laughing, and I am thinking no way this is happening.  I say what about what I have already done.  She says, "We have to start all over," as she begins pouring out my hard fought for urine. 

At this point in the story there is so much laughter and cutting up (myself included), there is no way to type it all.  Needless to say, there was no seriousness left.  We were all losing it.

So while my boss goes off to do his sample he is, unfortunately, loudly proclaiming, "Let me show you how it is done."  I am somewhere between laughter, tears and disbelief.  She has started me on a cup of water.  I am praying for the urge.  After my boss finishes and brings back a completely full sample cup.  Worse, he is grinning from ear to ear like the cat that ate the canary.  While she works, I listen to him and her banter back and forth as he quizzes her on where she banks.  I am just wanting to pee and get back to work.  I have to hand it to the nurse, she held her own going toe to toe with him.  Let me just say, there is no way there was one person in that entire building that did not know who he was, who he worked for, and what his title for OR that he really wanted L.W.'s (to protect the innocent) banking business.  They were loud, funny and happy. 

Finally after he signs all of his paperwork, my boss goes outside to check e-mail (he is (rightly) assuming it is going to take me awhile).  I rattle off a tweet (in sheer giggles and disbelief at this point), chug down the rest of my water, and notify the nurse that I think I can pee for her.  So...we start over, and I am proud to say I got more than "this much" although considerably less than my boss.  :)

By the time we finally get out of there, I am pretty sure we have L.W.'s banking business, I know the entire drug policy of the HR handbook is going to be addressed for expense and reasonableness (Doretha would love that), and that no matter what happens down the road...I have NEVER had an adventure quite like that with a boss...and if this is a taste of what is to come...I am about to have a lot of fun working harder than I have ever worked in my life.  On the way back, he told me the story of his funniest near miss in banking, and we were laughing so loud and crying when the Sonic girl brought our "treats" (he said we deserved one after all of that), she literally looked at us like we had three heads.  Let me just say, laughter absolves an abundance of stress. :)

So, if you are looking for an expert on drug tests...clearly I am not your girl.  If you are looking for someone to have a good time with taking a drug test...clearly I am definitely your girl. 

Again, I CANNOT make this stuff up.

Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)