The past few days have been what one can only describe as an explosion of crises. I had imagined a period where I had the opportunity to close a door, pause, and then open a new door. For all of my good intentions and planning...life happened...as it always does. I started to feel sorry for myself yesterday morning, but then just as I sat down to bemoan and cry my own circumstances...the television began showing the devastation from the night before in Joplin, Missouri. Suddenly even the onslaught of crises in my own life seemed quite small by comparison. I took a couple of hours to go hide out alone...take a bath, then a short nap, knowing that being clean and rested would help before I decided what to address next. I was overwhelmed.
I have a stressful job. I have a stressful life. I am used to being overwhelmed by both. What I have been experiencing, feeling and dealing with (quite alone in my own mind by the way)...is something I have not felt before (that I can recall). Every crisis that hit (and for a little bit they were hitting in rapid succession) left me unable to help, and all I could do was watch them unfold. In some cases, I couldn't be there due to distance. In one case, I couldn't be there due to responsibilities watching over someone. In another, I could not be there due to unique issues. I was helpless and therefore completely overwhelmed.
Helpless? Well there is a feeling I don't often have or dwell on for more than a nano-second. What an awful feeling. When you couple that with a sense of being overwhelmed, it is slightly frightening...at least for me. Then...I started thinking...
Is this my new normal? What if I am entering a phase in my life where I am no longer the "take action girl"? No...NO! Well, that thought snapped me out of it. Whew...that was close.
I think when you are in a state of transition in your life it is normal to feel out of sorts. I am in the middle of a huge transition and that coupled with an unusually high amount of stressful events within a 36-48 hour period led to what can only be described as a "Helpless Funk". Yes, I did make that up, and no, I do not believe it is clever....but it does aptly describe what hit me...and hit me HARD yesterday.
I am sitting here wondering what finally pulled me out of it last night, and I believe it was Leon. Here is a little boy who I can sit and watch him literally going in and out of his own "helpless funks" as his mind and heart try to continuously deal with changing circumstances, people and surroundings. Whatever my last 4-5 days have been like, I can guarantee you his have been equally as jarring. Last night we all went to Wal*Mart and somewhere in dreaming over the new bike that he has picked out (and Wesley and I are going to surprise him with when he least expects it) and picking out a travel kit for our road trip next month...he pulled himself out of his own helpless place and subsequently brought me with him. Let me just say, who knew how much fun it could be to listen to a boy go through a travel kit and explain to him what each item was for....and who knew how much fun learning how to use deodorant is for a boy (or the girl teaching him). Wesley gets to explain the shaver. :)
At my core, I am a simple girl. I once was a simple girl living a simple life. (I know that is hard to believe for some, but lets remember I am talking about at the core.:)) That girl is dead...she died this past weekend. In her place, is a simple girl living a complicated life (in all areas). Pollyanna has a whole new list of challenges before her, but none more challenging than...she cannot fix it all (at least not all at once...okay I am still learning). I have spent a lot of time in my life trying to simplify a very messy life, and now I am faced with the reality that there are parts (new and old) of my life that will always be messy. There are no quick fixes, or even a fix period in some cases. What??!! There is though...still the glad game.
I am so glad that (ironically) my parents gave me a messy childhood. Somehow, I know, the survival skills and instincts I learned then will assist me greatly in the years to come. I am glad that God taught me (and continues to teach me) forgiveness. I am sensing that I will need that skill now more than ever (can I get a "Good grief."). I am so glad that at every stage of my life, I have been privy to great love. Where there is pain, confusion, despair, and grief...there is always love. I believe that. I try to live that. I have sacrificed relationships in order to protect it in my own life. I am glad for good friends, a great family, and a God that sticks by me no matter what.
Life is messy. I am seeing a lot of lemons right now...in fact they are raining down on me it seems, but all that means is that there is a lot of lemonade in my future. :) :)
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)