"Heather, you need to take a swim in lake YOU." "Yes Stephen, but how do I get there?"
These are the words of my dear sweet friend Stephen that he once told me nearly 13 years ago; they came ringing back to me right after I got off the phone with Dr. Baltz in mid-December. Alas, I am getting ahead of myself.
This is my second blog. The first one is an ongoing blog about the dream I am building in the bottom of a hollow (or holler); it has lots of starts and stops due to time, weather and funds. This one is a result of my "Come to Jesus Moment" (I apologize if this phrase offends anyone.) I had as 2010 was drawing to a close, and with Stephen and Dr. Baltz's words ringing in my ears...along with the other voices that we all hear every day demanding more and more from us. What is that phrase about blood from a turnip? I digress again; I am bad about that. :) Lets say for the sake of argument or discussion that I lost myself during 2010.
Have you ever had one of those days, months or years where you start out behind the eight ball, and no matter how hard you work or for all of your good intentions...you cannot run fast enough to catch up much less get in front of it? Well, I have, had, and I am confident I will again, BUT I am trying to really take stock of what I have learned this time...I DO NOT want to have another year (on aggregate ~ there were certainly some amazing and wonderful parts) again. That is where this blog comes into the picture. Maybe, just maybe, if I document my thoughts, dreams, challenges, aspirations, etc., I will learn the lessons the first time. Plus, I love to write, and a blog ~ for better or worse ~ is great practice and an outlet for my writing. It will take patience with myself and a willingness to open myself up in a way that frankly my very private nature is screaming, "No! Don't tell them that!!!! They need to think you are PERFECT." Well, I am not perfect. I don't have all of the answers. I get tired. I come from a long line of perfectionists, workaholics, sassy, funny, imperfect individuals and the like. It is time to make peace with all of those traits bestowed upon me at birth, and those bad habits I picked up all by myself along the way...:)
Some of what led me to really do this is that I spent most of 2010 sick. The point of this reveal is not in the fact that I was sick or what I had/have...it is in the fact that I let my body get run down so much before I made myself a priority long enough to get it addressed. It is in the fact that I felt the need to be a good soldier and put everything and everybody in front of myself; the irony of which is that I let people down because I just could not complete stuff as fast as I had in the past. I have spent countless days and weeks apologizing to people for being so tired...for letting them down. Why did I do that? Why do we do that?? Men, women every single day soldier on "getting it done" because that is what we do. I want to give myself permission in 2011 to be tired, to be sick, and to need time to take care of me.
I am doing well with that too...one of my physicians has me on 2000 mcg of B12 daily. I am also doing a lot of things to help improve my iron levels until my other doctor and I can make some decisions. In addition, I re-introduced myself to my treadmill, and after some hateful words back and forth that first day...we are getting along splendidly. I have also worked to re-claim my daily and weekly scheduling habits that have served me so well since the tender age of 9 (that is a post for another day). In doing that, I make myself a priority. This may sound selfish, but think about it...if you wear yourself out and use yourself up...what is there left of you to give to anyone or anything else??? That's right ~ ZERO!
All of this is A LOT ~ especially when you consider that at my low point is was a real struggle for me to survive a single day. Not complete it. Not accomplish it (as in the to dos for the day). Survive it. I was really in denial, and defensive. Here is a little nugget ~ when someone responds to you, "I'm fine." They're not! I guess I should just speak for me...I'm not. Finally, you don't know how tired you are until your doctor prescribes something that gives you a taste of your old energy level back. That my friend is when the A-Ha moments start slapping you in the face.
Well my afternoon dosage of B12 is wearing off (it is 12:13 a.m.). I really have to regulate myself. I took my second dosage tonight instead of mid-afternoon. Well you can see the result. :)
All of this purging and insight aside, I keep hearing so much about civility on the news in light of the tragedy in Arizona. Then Dr. Wayne Dyer had a post on his Facebook page that read "By being and living compassion, you invite and encourage others, just by your example, to choose to do the same." It all makes me wonder where has all of the civility gone? Where has all of the compassion gone? Maybe if each of us focuses on making ourselves a priority, healthy and whole...then we can get our cup running over again and start changing the world one person at a time. Because isn't that all there really is to it. I'm happy so I want to help you be happy and so forth and so on. Spread the love so to speak.
If someone had reached out to a troubled unhappy man and found out why he was slowly becoming more and more unhappy...could it have made a difference in Arizona a week ago today? We all need to show compassion with everyone we come across in our daily lives. Compassion is defined as a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. A strong desire. I'm thinking we need to start a movement (Americans like those.) and call it Compassion in Action or Active Compassion. It is time to stop staring at each other. It is time to DO something. Cross the aisle and shake hands. Work in a temporary homeless shelter (I have an amazing friend who did this last week.). Walk up to someone you don't know that looks tired or sad, and ask them to coffee or dinner. Engage them. Engage in their life.
I am a huge fan of Pollyanna (my favorite movie of all time), and I hope and pray every day I will have a Pollyanna impact on someone at some point in my life. Here is a girl who had every reason in the world to be sad, depressed and miserable and yet she chose (as a legacy to a lesson taught by her father) to be glad and look for the good in everything and everybody. I wish for all of us a little bit of Pollyanna in our lives.
Pollyanna dreams aside, I have many goals for 2011. Yes, I am one of THOSE people :). I am sure I will post more about them, and how I am doing, as the year progresses. One of them is being achieved with this writing ~ Make time for me and my writing even at the cost of humiliating myself. Well, I guess I will go check that one off the list...right before I crash from my latest B12 high :).
Sunshine Dreams to You ~ Today and Every Day! :)