Sometimes two loves in our life intersect. When that happens, it is magic. Today I experienced the magic of that when my firm spent the day at Camp Caudle completing energy assessments throughout the camp in the hopes of finding ways to save the non-profit camp money on their utility bills which as you can imagine are expensive.
It was a great experience.
What I didn't expect was the frustration I felt when it was over.
Certainly a case can be made that after weeks (started 9/30) of running at a breakneck pace with zero time to catch my breath or even do appropriate follow-up from the trips, conferences, new friends met, etc...I am clearly running on fumes. Heart worn and torn.
Life tells you that you are supposed to be glowing and happy with so many great experiences in the books, heart tank full from Haiti, professional wins, and good stuff.
No one wants to discuss the rest of the story....piles of laundry, bags from some trips still laying piled up unpacked or worse the ones that were unpacked by dumping on the floor so you could fill them up for a different trip, the dust bunnies that have procreated to an extent that they are now bunny villages, the trash (Do. Not. Even.), your bedroom side table that still holds the remains from a two week winter cold that would NOT let go, gifts that remain in piles still needing to be mailed, and this is just a snippet of home. My office is worse. The amount of paperwork is obscene. I swear it multiplies overnight. It all feels like TOO MUCH.
I know this should only be a season. A period of eight weeks I planned for and knew was coming, but still it feels...like more than I bargained for...more than I want...more than I need...
Last night as I doped myself on NyQuil and snuggled up under a quilt watching the final three episodes of West Wing on Netflix (one of my all time favorite shows I have been re-watching as I fall asleep for the past few months)...I got to the next to last episode (Season 7, Episode 21) and watched one of the characters wrestle with choices about their life after working in the White House for eight years. She was a single working woman asking the question, "Have I lost my window..." for a regular life that isn't controlled by a cell phone, work demands, etc.?
I started crying.
I worry all the time if I have lost my window. Of course these days, I look to God begging him to give me another window (different metaphor) than the one I am looking through...but still...point made.
The answer is of course no, but right now it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I am running and striving again and while the goals are better today than in the past...more worthy (dare I say)...it doesn't negate that I continue to wrestle with depleted (or scarce) resources (sleep, energy, time) and the burning question...is this all there is for my life? Am I spending my resources appropriately? Am I running the right race? Should I focus on one of my "loves" instead of a baker's dozen? Mostly....God where are you in THIS? All of this? I am so grateful, but holy cow there is SO much of this!
I am reading through Nehemiah...again!...and I continue to be struck by how in the end...he kept asking God to "remember" and "remember me" and after all he did for God and the kingdom he wrestled with "remember" and I share...
Sorry...crying and typing in a full restaurant and had to wipe my eyes as the owner walked up...
I share Nehemiah's broken heart to help and do more and feeling inadequate and wonder myself...will I be remembered by God?
How is my life adding to the kingdom or to the betterment of the world? Do I do less in order to do more? Do I do more and stop whining?
Today the heart rock reminded me that God loves me and sees me and I was where he wanted...in that moment. What about tomorrow? Where does he want me tomorrow?
My calendar is full. Is it full of the right stuff?
I am wrestling tonight. Hard. It feels like my window is closing, and I am afraid I am going to miss it.
Praying for reassurance tonight. Kneeling at the point of intersection. The cross. ❤️☀️